Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

Everything but the Kitchen Sink – take 2

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I originally posted this blog April 2019.  But, it merits a repost.  The topic is sexual bereavement and it is very real and it need to be discussed more candidly and more often.

As widowed people we do not often discuss how our sex lives die with them.  But, the truth is that this is an enormous secondary loss.  

Sexual bereavement is a thing.  It is very real and it profoundly affects us as we live on without the one we love.  Daily, we miss the intimacy of being a couple.  And, nothing, not one thing can replace this.  The daily nuances that exist between two lovers.  Your unspoken language.  The secret words you whispered to one another.  The tone he reserved for just you. The dialect of love.   

As surviving spouses we miss the stolen glances.  The way his adoring eyes watched me prepare a meal.  The winks he sent me across the room during a dinner party.  Tenderly placing my hand on his leg as he drove us some place.  Walking side by side and casually reaching for his familiar hand; and, then interlocking my fingers with the man I love. Their hands.  Their kiss.  That place on the small of my back that only he knew.  The way he gently brushed the hair out of my eyes before his lips met mine.  The way I fell into his chest as he pulled me to him.  All of this.  Every last thing.  This is the stuff we ache for.  This is the stuff that I quietly grieve.

The Normally Normals

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It’s been a grief goal for me to return back to “normal”. I have put into place fail-safes to reestablish pattern, predictability and self-protection. That’s normal self-preservation. Now I am starting to feel more comfortable in my day-to-day. I have realized my new “normal” has also kept me from enjoying aspects of a “normal” life. […]

Yet Another Secondary Loss

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Main image by Patty Brito on Unsplash This is my 100th post for Soaring Spirits. Which sounds more monumental than the 104th, due in a few weeks, which will mean that I have been writing here for two years. I know I have not missed one Tuesday. Discipline is good. Habits are good. Who would […]

Authentic Anger

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I’m harder on myself more than people realize. There are times I haven’t honored my feelings because I just try to see the bright side of everything. I have a high tolerance for others but sometimes I look the other way more than I should. I have to remember to give myself grace during growth […]

Cry, Cry, Cry

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It has been a while since I have cried. A really good, long cry. The last time I think was when I watched the Netflix movie Fatherhood. I sobbed during that one and then for a while after.  Sometimes it feels so good to cry, doesn’t it? It is like it has been bottled up […]

Fly the Coop

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There remains a lot going on in my life as I transition from my house of fourteen years to my new home.  I have been between homes since the end of April; and though I am unsettled, I feel fairly calm.  My new life is starting to take shape and this is exciting.  It has been 4.7 years since I have really felt any type of warm anticipation about anything substantial.  The feeling of hopeful anticipation about my future has been foreign to me in grief.  Hope feels like the feels from another life I used to live.  But, recently, hope reigns supreme for me.  I guess this is what thawing from grief feels like.  Slowly, I have worked to come back to life and I am more than ready to reap the benefits of my hard work.

Marbles, Memories and Recycled Reminders

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Some weeks go by and I find myself searching for signs or situations that give me insight into what I should write about each week. I fought looking for inspiration. I felt if i couldn’t write about Tin (or my life without him) that I was losing him more. Stressing about sharing sunk stories deeper […]

Til Death Do Us Part . . . or not

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The irony of pledging our lives to one another on Independence Day revealed itself slowly over the years. A powerful love awakened what felt like super powers. Of course we would live a lifetime together, no matter the bets of some who thought otherwise. Dan enjoyed highlighting the benefits of choosing July 4th to marry: […]

Commemobrating

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Photos my own I survived last week. I survived 30 June and 1 July. I survived the two year “deathiversary” of Julia’s death. Forever split across a date line, two days of the week, two dates, two months, even two quarters. Because from when I “know” she took her life, to when she was “officially” […]

An Unwanted Independence Day

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Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted… Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that is exactly how I felt every time I looked into your eyes. You lit me up and now I have […]

The Evolution of Grief (part 3 of many)

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After 4.7 years, I can write to you and say that I actually like my life again.  And, I am almost sort of “happy” once again too.  I have come to accept my life without him; and, I am also excited about my future.  These are all things that I could not imagine when Mike first died.  But, alas, I am a very different widow than the one who began writing to you in 2018.  Early on, I created mantras for myself so that I could somehow survive in a world where he is not.  Once upon a time I used to say, “love got me here, and love will get me through”.  And… it has.  I was right.  Love (in all its forms) for the win.

Levels in Life

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Clayton, I gave the bike away. The one you gave me for Christmas. I was going to ride it to work but life. Right? You got sick. I needed to have my car so I could get back to you as fast as possible each of every “our last days” and then you died – […]