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Victoria Helmly

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.

Passing the Friday Blog Torch

Posted on: September 1, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Hi, everyone! I am writing to say good-bye to you as the Friday Widow’s Voice writer. I am also writing to thank you for the opportunity and the support, and to pass the torch to the new Friday writer, Sherry! I am currently in my last semester of writing my dissertation for my Ph.D. program. […]

Categories: Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Suicide

ChatGPT + grief

Posted on: August 18, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

So, I had this weird idea to talk to ChatGPT about my grief. I have read a few articles about how people have used AI to hear a loved one’s voice again, and that made me feel really conflicted. And, I always think about how much Boris would love ChatGPT and would use it all […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed by Suicide

Outlets for our Grief

Posted on: August 4, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

There are so many ways that I cope and deal with my grief, and it has evolved over time, and I have needed different things as other life stressors and changes have happened. I was already in therapy when Boris died, and I increased the number of times I was going, plus added an additional […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Uncategorized

July 25th

Posted on: July 27, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Another July 25th has come and gone. It was the day that Boris and I used to call our dating anniversary. We weren’t really sure when our actual anniversary was, but I knew it was around this time. We were two 17-year-old kids making out at Tybee Beach and staying out past my curfew. I […]

Categories: Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

Grief Thoughts of the Week

Posted on: July 14, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

This week, I have a lot floating in my head. And I don’t feel like I have enough to really say about any of it to make a full post. Or, maybe some of it just feels too hard to write about right now. So, I thought I’d just note all of my grief/Boris thoughts […]

Categories: Widowed

Grief by Taylor Swift Albums

Posted on: June 30, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

In the early months after Boris died, I remember a close friend telling me that her husband sometimes will have a hard time remembering if a certain song was out or a current event had occurred before or after his sister died. It had been many years since her death, but I  remember thinking how […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

Another Trauma Reminder

Posted on: June 16, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

CW/TW: This post contains a discussion of suicide. I am currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program at Georgia State University, where I also received my undergraduate and master’s degrees. It is where Boris and I attended college together, and where he was attending for his master’s when he died. GSU holds a special place in […]

Categories: Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Texts.

Posted on: June 9, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Sometimes I do what I call “pressing the bruise” and look at something or do something that I know will trigger my grief or feel sad. This week, I did one of those things and I read through saved text messages with Boris. And yeah, it did hurt. Especially the messages where I was angry […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Ambition Loss

Posted on: May 26, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Because I am in a Ph.D. program, I get this question a lot: “what are you going to do with that?” or “what are you going to do when you graduate?” And, it is a normal question, and one I have probably asked many times to people who mention that they are in a degree-seeking […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

Grief fail.

Posted on: May 12, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

After Boris died, I felt this need to in some ways carry on who he was, including his interests and passions. I knew that his love for science wouldn’t be one I could try to tackle, and I tried to care for his computer and techy belongings in the best way I knew how, but […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions

Time Travel

Posted on: May 5, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Fellow widow (and author, podcaster, etc.) Nora McInerny asked on her Instagram story this week, “if you could time travel back to when your person was alive, what would you do?” Of course, this question had me thinking all day about it, trying to come up with the best answer. When your person dies by […]

Categories: Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Grief Work

Posted on: April 28, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Over the past  6 months or so I have started to realize how much more grief work I have to do. I think I went through a period where it felt like I had done it all. Not that I was “over it” or everything was better, but that I’d sort of worked through everything […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

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