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Victoria Helmly

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.

Ambition Loss

Posted on: May 26, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Because I am in a Ph.D. program, I get this question a lot: “what are you going to do with that?” or “what are you going to do when you graduate?” And, it is a normal question, and one I have probably asked many times to people who mention that they are in a degree-seeking […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly

Grief fail.

Posted on: May 12, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

After Boris died, I felt this need to in some ways carry on who he was, including his interests and passions. I knew that his love for science wouldn’t be one I could try to tackle, and I tried to care for his computer and techy belongings in the best way I knew how, but […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions

Time Travel

Posted on: May 5, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Fellow widow (and author, podcaster, etc.) Nora McInerny asked on her Instagram story this week, “if you could time travel back to when your person was alive, what would you do?” Of course, this question had me thinking all day about it, trying to come up with the best answer. When your person dies by […]

Categories: Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Grief Work

Posted on: April 28, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Over the past  6 months or so I have started to realize how much more grief work I have to do. I think I went through a period where it felt like I had done it all. Not that I was “over it” or everything was better, but that I’d sort of worked through everything […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Anxiety

Posted on: April 14, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

This past week I attended two conferences out of town. It was a whirlwind week, and I felt like I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I planned to get a lot of other work done in my hotel room and in between sessions, but it didn’t happen. I know my time spent networking was important, […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

5 years.

Posted on: April 7, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Today makes 5 years. I can’t wrap my head around it. It feels so big and significant. I know it is just another anniversary year, but 5 feels somehow bigger–like a milestone.  In a way, I feel like a lot of the time since Boris died was sort-of robbed from me. The COVID-19 pandemic hit […]

Categories: Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones

When it isn’t your crisis

Posted on: March 23, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

*TW: there is mention of suicidal ideation/psychiatric hospitalization in this post You know those times in life when it feels like everyone around you is going through a crisis or a loss, and you have this strong urge to be super supportive but you are also reeling a bit yourself? That is happening to me […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Suicide

Winks

Posted on: March 17, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

I go through these phases where I feel like Boris is sending me signs, or sometimes I call them “winks”, and then there are long periods of time where I feel like I get nothing. I feel like he isn’t out there, or he isn’t trying to communicate with me at all. And, sometimes I […]

Categories: Widowed Signs from Loved One

Another Birthday Letter to Boris

Posted on: March 10, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Boris,  Today you should be turning 32. I feel like I need to catch you up on what life is like right now, on what would be your 32nd birthday, but I kind of feel like you already know? (I am not really sure how the Other Side/Heaven works) Long story short, the world is […]

Categories: Widowed Birthdays

New Grief Group

Posted on: March 3, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Last week I started going to a grief group. It is led by the therapist I have been seeing for several months, and she encouraged me to join it. I was a little hesitant because I was not sure how helpful it will be, but I am feeling like I need the extra support. March […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed Therapy

Two Boyfriends.

Posted on: February 17, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Boris, I was not really sure if this would ever happen, or when it might happen, or if it was even possible to happen. But, I think I have a boyfriend. Or, would I say another boyfriend? Or an alive boyfriend? And, if I do have a boyfriend then what does that make you? You’re […]

Categories: Widowed and New Love

A gratitude post for those early days of grief.

Posted on: February 4, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

A fellow widow and amazing writer (check out her newsletter!) inspired me this week to think and write about the ways I was supported in my early days of grief. I am definitely not a person who believes in forcing positivity or gratefulness in order to solve your problems, however, I think that a reflection […]

Categories: Widowed Effect on Family/Friends

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