A fellow widow and amazing writer (check out her newsletter!) inspired me this week to think and write about the ways I was supported in my early days of grief. I am definitely not a person who believes in forcing positivity or gratefulness in order to solve your problems, however, I think that a reflection […]
Joshua Tree
This month I embarked on a solo trip for fun to Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I have done this once before. In 2019, before I started my Ph.D. program I went to Puerto Rico by myself. It was freeing and exciting, but there were lonely parts and times when I wished I had someone […]
When your brain & heart are overwhelmed.
Recently, I had one of those weekends where I did way too much. I haven’t had one of these kinds of weekends in a while. I overcommitted myself and tried to “do it all”, without really thinking about the emotional exhaustion it might bring. One of the weekend activities involved attending a birthday party of […]
A Thought on Suicide Prevention
I wanted to write about the way we talk about suicide deaths, especially around the prevention of suicide. I am not sure that I have anything new or insightful that has not already been said before, but I think as a suicide loss survivor, I should speak up about how it feels to me. When […]
Missing moments.
Today I successfully defended my dissertation proposal for my Ph.D. This means I am in the final phase of my program…only the dissertation left to go. In my department, this step in the process is pretty significant. A lot of pressure, preparation, and anxiety goes into this phase. Although I was pretty confident I would […]
Dear Boris, it’s the holiday season again.
Dear Boris, It’s the holiday season, which means a lot of things. It means everyone is feeling excited and cozy, and things feel busy and stressful. And I always loved the holidays until you died. And the holidays now have a sting. They might always hurt a little, even if the joy of the holidays […]
Thankful and bitter.
At the time of year when we traditionally pause to give thanks and reflect on the things we are grateful for, I often feel like a bitter person. I feel like everyone else is so full of gratitude, even amidst pain and loss, and I am just…not. The truth is, I am grateful for so […]
100 years to live.
This weekend I went to a family friend’s 100th birthday celebration. I think it was the first time I’d ever been to a 100th birthday party and I am so glad I was able to be there. This woman is very special to me and my family, and someone who has touched so many lives […]
Netflix & Tears
I just finished watching From Scratch on Netflix and I am…wrecked. And I need to write about it for a minute. I have been drawn to tv shows, movies, books, and songs about death and loss since Boris died. They have been like a balm for me. But, more recently I have been watching more […]
Nothing new.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing new to say or write about my grief or even about Boris. Like all of my grief thoughts have already been written. My sadness. My loneliness. My missing him. My regrets. My flashbacks of the trauma of his death. And then sometimes I feel like I have so […]
Remembering the fun.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the sadness, shock, and trauma of Boris’s death that I forget how much fun we had. The memories that flood my brain are often of fights or things I should have said or should have done differently. Regret and “what ifs” are common. And, I think because of […]
Some days I still can’t believe it.
Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days […]