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Victoria Helmly

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.

A gratitude post for those early days of grief.

Posted on: February 4, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

A fellow widow and amazing writer (check out her newsletter!) inspired me this week to think and write about the ways I was supported in my early days of grief. I am definitely not a person who believes in forcing positivity or gratefulness in order to solve your problems, however, I think that a reflection […]

Categories: Widowed Effect on Family/Friends

Joshua Tree

Posted on: January 27, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

This month I embarked on a solo trip for fun to Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I have done this once before. In 2019, before I started my Ph.D. program I went to Puerto Rico by myself. It was freeing and exciting, but there were lonely parts and times when I wished I had someone […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed and Healing

When your brain & heart are overwhelmed.

Posted on: January 13, 2023 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Recently, I had one of those weekends where I did way too much. I haven’t had one of these kinds of weekends in a while. I overcommitted myself and tried to “do it all”, without really thinking about the emotional exhaustion it might bring. One of the weekend activities involved attending a birthday party of […]

Categories: Widowed and New Love, Widowed Emotions

A Thought on Suicide Prevention

Posted on: December 30, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

I wanted to write about the way we talk about suicide deaths, especially around the prevention of suicide. I am not sure that I have anything new or insightful that has not already been said before, but I think as a suicide loss survivor, I should speak up about how it feels to me. When […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Suicide

Missing moments.

Posted on: December 16, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Today I successfully defended my dissertation proposal for my Ph.D. This means I am in the final phase of my program…only the dissertation left to go. In my department, this step in the process is pretty significant. A lot of pressure, preparation, and anxiety goes into this phase. Although I was pretty confident I would […]

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Milestones

Dear Boris, it’s the holiday season again.

Posted on: December 2, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Dear Boris, It’s the holiday season, which means a lot of things. It means everyone is feeling excited and cozy, and things feel busy and stressful. And I always loved the holidays until you died. And the holidays now have a sting. They might always hurt a little, even if the joy of the holidays […]

Categories: Widowed Birthdays, Widowed Holidays

Thankful and bitter.

Posted on: November 25, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

At the time of year when we traditionally pause to give thanks and reflect on the things we are grateful for, I often feel like a bitter person. I feel like everyone else is so full of gratitude, even amidst pain and loss, and I am just…not.  The truth is, I am grateful for so […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

100 years to live.

Posted on: November 18, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

This weekend I went to a family friend’s 100th birthday celebration. I think it was the first time I’d ever been to a 100th birthday party and I am so glad I was able to be there. This woman is very special to me and my family, and someone who has touched so many lives […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Netflix & Tears

Posted on: November 4, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

I just finished watching From Scratch on Netflix and I am…wrecked. And I need to write about it for a minute.  I have been drawn to tv shows, movies, books, and songs about death and loss since Boris died. They have been like a balm for me. But, more recently I have been watching more […]

Categories: Uncategorized

Nothing new.

Posted on: October 28, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Sometimes I feel like I have nothing new to say or write about my grief or even about Boris. Like all of my grief thoughts have already been written. My sadness. My loneliness. My missing him. My regrets. My flashbacks of the trauma of his death. And then sometimes I feel like I have so […]

Categories: Widowed and Healing, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Community

Remembering the fun.

Posted on: October 14, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Sometimes I get so caught up in the sadness, shock, and trauma of Boris’s death that I forget how much fun we had. The memories that flood my brain are often of fights or things I should have said or should have done differently. Regret and “what ifs” are common. And, I think because of […]

Categories: Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

Some days I still can’t believe it.

Posted on: October 8, 2022 | Posted by: Victoria Helmly

Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days […]

Categories: Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide

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