Fellow widow (and author, podcaster, etc.) Nora McInerny asked on her Instagram story this week, “if you could time travel back to when your person was alive, what would you do?” Of course, this question had me thinking all day about it, trying to come up with the best answer. When your person dies by suicide, this question brings up different kinds of layers, mostly about how you could have saved them or changed things to prevent them from doing what they did. My brain went there for a minute, but I decided to try to think about other things and how I could enjoy more time with Boris. I would want to spend hours and hours just talking, about what his dreams are and what he wants from life. I would let him pick anything he wanted to do with our day–we could lay in bed for hours or go on a hike, or maybe we could go watch live music and eat something amazing. I would observe him closely–really soak in his face, his mannerisms, his way of moving in the world. The things that I worry I will forget now. I would ask him his favorite beer, his perfect day, his most prized possession. I would try to take in all of the things that I never knew I’d need to try to remember. All of the things I thought I had more time to know or ask or figure out. I would enjoy every minute of it, and every moment with him. Without worrying about the future and what went wrong with us, but just being part of his life. Laughing at his jokes, letting him go on forever about a topic I find boring, and telling him how he is magical and wonderful.
Oh, how I wish I could really time travel. Even just for a few hours. Just to soak in a few more moments with him.