Widow's Voice

Time Travel

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Fellow widow (and author, podcaster, etc.) Nora McInerny asked on her Instagram story this week, “if you could time travel back to when your person was alive, what would you do?” Of course, this question had me thinking all day about it, trying to come up with the best answer. When your person dies by suicide, this question brings up different kinds of layers, mostly about how you could have saved them or changed things to prevent them from doing what they did. My brain went there for a minute, but I decided to try to think about other things and how I could enjoy more time with Boris. I would want to spend hours and hours just talking, about what his dreams are and what he wants from life. I would let him pick anything he wanted to do with our day–we could lay in bed for hours or go on a hike, or maybe we could go watch live music and eat something amazing. I would observe him closely–really soak in his face, his mannerisms, his way of moving in the world. The things that I worry I will forget now. I would ask him his favorite beer, his perfect day, his most prized possession. I would try to take in all of the things that I never knew I’d need to try to remember. All of the things I thought I had more time to know or ask or figure out. I would enjoy every minute of it, and every moment with him. Without worrying about the future and what went wrong with us, but just being part of his life. Laughing at his jokes, letting him go on forever about a topic I find boring, and telling him how he is magical and wonderful.

Oh, how I wish I could really time travel. Even just for a few hours. Just to soak in a few more moments with him.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.