Widow's Voice

Another Trauma Reminder

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CW/TW: This post contains a discussion of suicide.

I am currently enrolled in a Ph.D. program at Georgia State University, where I also received my undergraduate and master’s degrees. It is where Boris and I attended college together, and where he was attending for his master’s when he died. GSU holds a special place in my heart for many reasons, and Boris is intertwined in all of them.

Last week, a message was sent out to the GSU community from the university president. The message subject heading said something about an “incident”, but it was not clear what the message would be about. I opened it, only to read that a former student died by suicide after jumping from the top of a GSU parking deck. The parking deck I always park in, and one that I remember parking in with Boris many times. Tears formed in my eyes and my stomach dropped. I felt a little nauseated and anxious. There it was, that physical response. My body was not ready to read that news, or prepared for thinking about that. Another reminder of what I have gone through, this time reminded because of someone else’s tragic story.

My heart breaks for this former student and for their loved ones and the GSU community. No one should have to experience this, and I hate that people endure it every day.

I just wanted to write out my experience because I know as widow/ers we have reminders of our loss all the time in big and small ways, no matter how our person died. I am holding space for all of us as we are hit with these, especially the really tough ones.

 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.