This past week I attended two conferences out of town. It was a whirlwind week, and I felt like I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I planned to get a lot of other work done in my hotel room and in between sessions, but it didn’t happen. I know my time spent networking was important, […]
5 years.
Today makes 5 years. I can’t wrap my head around it. It feels so big and significant. I know it is just another anniversary year, but 5 feels somehow bigger–like a milestone. In a way, I feel like a lot of the time since Boris died was sort-of robbed from me. The COVID-19 pandemic hit […]
When it isn’t your crisis
*TW: there is mention of suicidal ideation/psychiatric hospitalization in this post You know those times in life when it feels like everyone around you is going through a crisis or a loss, and you have this strong urge to be super supportive but you are also reeling a bit yourself? That is happening to me […]
Winks
I go through these phases where I feel like Boris is sending me signs, or sometimes I call them “winks”, and then there are long periods of time where I feel like I get nothing. I feel like he isn’t out there, or he isn’t trying to communicate with me at all. And, sometimes I […]
Another Birthday Letter to Boris
Boris, Today you should be turning 32. I feel like I need to catch you up on what life is like right now, on what would be your 32nd birthday, but I kind of feel like you already know? (I am not really sure how the Other Side/Heaven works) Long story short, the world is […]
New Grief Group
Last week I started going to a grief group. It is led by the therapist I have been seeing for several months, and she encouraged me to join it. I was a little hesitant because I was not sure how helpful it will be, but I am feeling like I need the extra support. March […]
Two Boyfriends.
Boris, I was not really sure if this would ever happen, or when it might happen, or if it was even possible to happen. But, I think I have a boyfriend. Or, would I say another boyfriend? Or an alive boyfriend? And, if I do have a boyfriend then what does that make you? You’re […]
A gratitude post for those early days of grief.
A fellow widow and amazing writer (check out her newsletter!) inspired me this week to think and write about the ways I was supported in my early days of grief. I am definitely not a person who believes in forcing positivity or gratefulness in order to solve your problems, however, I think that a reflection […]
Joshua Tree
This month I embarked on a solo trip for fun to Los Angeles and Palm Springs. I have done this once before. In 2019, before I started my Ph.D. program I went to Puerto Rico by myself. It was freeing and exciting, but there were lonely parts and times when I wished I had someone […]
When your brain & heart are overwhelmed.
Recently, I had one of those weekends where I did way too much. I haven’t had one of these kinds of weekends in a while. I overcommitted myself and tried to “do it all”, without really thinking about the emotional exhaustion it might bring. One of the weekend activities involved attending a birthday party of […]
A Thought on Suicide Prevention
I wanted to write about the way we talk about suicide deaths, especially around the prevention of suicide. I am not sure that I have anything new or insightful that has not already been said before, but I think as a suicide loss survivor, I should speak up about how it feels to me. When […]
Missing moments.
Today I successfully defended my dissertation proposal for my Ph.D. This means I am in the final phase of my program…only the dissertation left to go. In my department, this step in the process is pretty significant. A lot of pressure, preparation, and anxiety goes into this phase. Although I was pretty confident I would […]