Widow's Voice

Another Birthday Letter to Boris

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Boris, 

Today you should be turning 32. I feel like I need to catch you up on what life is like right now, on what would be your 32nd birthday, but I kind of feel like you already know? (I am not really sure how the Other Side/Heaven works) Long story short, the world is pretty messed up but we do have a lot more streaming service options now, and Jon Stewart has his own show again. 

I hope you got to see the birthday day-of-service last weekend. It was hard work this year! I have tried to keep up this tradition. We got to meet some sweet pups, and the cutest cats. I hope you saw all the people who turned out in your honor. You are so missed here Earthside. 

Sometimes I still think of an alternate reality where you didn’t die. Where tomorrow we’d do birthday stuff with friends, or maybe we’d just keep it lowkey and watch a movie. We might eat Indian food or sushi, and I would make you take photos and let me sing happy birthday. A life where maybe we are married, or maybe not. Maybe we have a house and a foster dog. I imagine that you are teaching science in some capacity, and you love it. And your students love you. We travel together and we try new restaurants all the time. We still argue and disagree on a lot, but we work through it. We laugh every day, and we have built a nice little life together. We survived the worst of things, and we know we can get through anything. That alternate reality sounds so sweet to me because you get to be 32. 

Every birthday since you died I have tried to do things you’d like to do. And, I will continue that tradition. I will eat your favorite foods, sleep late, play some piano, and spend time with Kitty Cat. I will tip waitstaff extra, and I will smile a lot. And, I will miss you with every breath just like I do every day. 

Happy birthday, Boris. I love you forever.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.