Widow's Voice

5 years.

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Today makes 5 years. I can’t wrap my head around it. It feels so big and significant. I know it is just another anniversary year, but 5 feels somehow bigger–like a milestone. 

In a way, I feel like a lot of the time since Boris died was sort-of robbed from me. The COVID-19 pandemic hit before I made it to the 2-year mark, around the time when I was starting to pull myself out of the shock of my loss. In year 2 I started to get out of the grief cave I’d built for myself. I created an online dating profile, I traveled solo to Puerto Rico and started my Ph.D. program, and felt like I was getting some of my energy back, even though I was still reeling from my loss. When the pandemic hit, I sort of reverted back into my shell. I was anxious and worried, but it also allowed me to go back into hiding in a way. I didn’t have to deal with social events because I was not going anywhere. I didn’t meet new people, I didn’t travel, and I didn’t have to leave my comfort zone much. Maybe I needed this extra time to stay safeguarded from the world, but I think it also cushioned me from facing my grief in some ways. 

On top of the pandemic, I became very involved in caring for my dad because his health declined very rapidly. I moved in with my parents and together with my mom and sister provide 24/7 care for him. It’s exhausting and hard, and well, I am grieving yet again. It sort of layered onto my grief of losing Boris. 

Now, 5 years after he died, I feel like I lost some of those years. I feel like I didn’t get to really go through the grief motions and heal like I “wanted to” (which feels weird to say?). I want some of that time back, to travel more and maybe even date more. And not to spend so much time anxious about a contagious illness and away from people, plus providing care for my dad with Parkinson’s and dementia. I feel bitter about my grief experience, I guess.

I will end on a more positive note, though. I have felt supported by so many people during these 5 years. I have been lucky enough to have great therapists and meet other grieving people (especially widows!) along the way. I have read amazing grief books. My family has been there for me, I have a core group of friends who have been there for me, and I have a new kind of relationship with Boris’s parents (which is a whole other post in itself!). 

I guess I just feel complicated feelings about the 5-year mark because it feels big and heavy. I miss Boris every day, and I just wish he were here. I wish I could tell him about these 5 years, and see his big grin and hold his hand.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.