Widow's Voice

When it isn’t your crisis

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*TW: there is mention of suicidal ideation/psychiatric hospitalization in this post

You know those times in life when it feels like everyone around you is going through a crisis or a loss, and you have this strong urge to be super supportive but you are also reeling a bit yourself? That is happening to me right now. There have been two unexpected deaths in my circle of friends–one was a friend’s mom and the other a friend’s sister-in-law. To top it off, an older family member is on hospice care and is expected to die soon. And, my new boyfriend’s (shit, here I am using that term and still feeling weird about it) sister has been hospitalized for suicidal ideation. It is all very triggering and stressful. None of it is directly happening to me, ya know? I am mourning alongside and on behalf of people, but I am not the griever. I am supporting in the best way I can, but I am not the one with the loved one who is in crisis.

I am feeling a bit anxious and also on edge about how to be the best support possible–trying to remember what was helpful to me when I was the one in crisis and grieving. My mind sort of wanders around as I second-guess my every move of support–what if someone doesn’t grieve the same? What if I reach out too much or not enough? What if I am one of the people they look back on in 5 years and think, ‘that was not helpful’? I guess my traumatic and life-altering loss makes me feel like I should know what to do. I should know the right words and gestures, and I shouldn’t make any mistakes. But, I know that is not true. Even looking in my own circle of grief after Boris died–we have grieved so differently, and some things that are helpful to me are not helpful to his mom. I know this, and yet, my head still spins a bit as I look for ways to show that I care, and that I have empathy for their situation.

On top of all of that, I think my anxiety comes from being triggered by these crises and losses–remembering what it was like when Boris was hospitalized for psychiatric treatment and remembering those early hours, days, and weeks after he died. It all just feels like too much–and I just hate that others have to do it. It has been almost 5 years since he died, but it still feels so new sometimes. My heart still beats a little faster and my stomach turns when this kind of news hits me. Even when it is someone else’s crisis, it still feels like mine somehow. And, I never want to be the person who makes it about me, you know? I want to honor and recognize this is their pain. I thought this blog might be a good place to speak that truth, and I wonder if others feel this way too. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.