Widow's Voice

Two Boyfriends.

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Boris,

I was not really sure if this would ever happen, or when it might happen, or if it was even possible to happen. But, I think I have a boyfriend. Or, would I say another boyfriend? Or an alive boyfriend? And, if I do have a boyfriend then what does that make you? You’re not my ex-boyfriend or my ex-partner. Maybe you’re my dead boyfriend or my late partner. Does that sound ok? Maybe you’re my partner, and he’s my boyfriend. That sounds kind of silly? Maybe I just have two boyfriends? 

Sometimes my brain gets kind of confused and muddled about this new part of my life and the way it touches the old. He tuned your guitar, and he hangs out with Kitty Cat. Sometimes when we are in the car listening to music he says he likes the songs you used to like. And, he rarely likes “my” songs. He scanned my bookshelf and picked out two books he thought were interesting…both yours. He loves to sleep and to play video games, and he hates authority and schedules…sound familiar? Needless to say, I guess if having two boyfriends makes a “type”, I guess I know mine…nerdy guys with ADHD who love animals and food. 

I wonder what you’d think of him a lot. I wonder what it would be like if you met him. I talk about you to him all the time, and he thinks you were really cool…and he is right. But then my brain gets a little fuzzy again…how is it even possible that my alive boyfriend is not you? Even after almost 5 years, it feels surreal. What a weird life I am living. 

I guess I just want you to know that I like him, and that he is kind and funny and smart. I don’t know what might happen next, and I am still feeling really scared about it. And my brain is probably going to have a hard time with it for a while…but I thought I should tell you that I have two boyfriends now. I hope you know that it doesn’t change anything between you and me. 

And, I miss you and I love you forever.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.