Recently, I had one of those weekends where I did way too much. I haven’t had one of these kinds of weekends in a while. I overcommitted myself and tried to “do it all”, without really thinking about the emotional exhaustion it might bring.
One of the weekend activities involved attending a birthday party of a friend that I shared with Boris. Naturally, many of those in attendance of this birthday party were also friends of Boris (shared friends). This birthday party also happened to take place in the house where Boris lived. So, yeah. This one was certainly not an easy one. On top of that, I brought a date!
That night, as I was driving home, alone in my car I started to cry. I felt an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and shame. I think it took this quiet time in my car for my brain and my heart to catch up. On top of the other weekend activities (one of which was a funeral!), I attended a birthday party where Boris’s absence was very real–he should have been there with our friends, in the house he once lived in. And the person I brought with me was only there BECAUSE BORIS IS DEAD. It is strange, and hard to wrap my mind around. And I was overwhelmed by it. And, I don’t know when it might not be so overwhelming.
Grief is so exhausting, and sometimes we are just trying to do normal social activities, and do all the things that other people do, and our brains and our hearts are like…wait that was so hard! I hope I can be gentle with myself and allow myself to rest when things like this happen. And, I hope anyone reading this does the same. We are doing the best we can.