Widow's Voice

Anxiety

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This past week I attended two conferences out of town. It was a whirlwind week, and I felt like I couldn’t quite catch my breath. I planned to get a lot of other work done in my hotel room and in between sessions, but it didn’t happen. I know my time spent networking was important, but now I feel behind on projects. This always leaves me feeling extra stressed.

A few things came up for me this week, and as I reflected on them I realized the common thread was anxiety. I thought it was worth sharing a little bit of these feelings in my weekly post, as I am sure so many of us have experienced heightened anxiety since the death of our person.

One of the ways it showed up for me was leaving my cat, whom I shared with my boyfriend Boris. I am pretty sure I have posted about her a few times before, but long story short, I found her when Boris and I were seniors in highschool and I gave her to Boris as Valentine’s Day gift, one that he reluctantly accepted (and named her Kitty Cat…to my disappointment). She ended up being the best part of his life and he adored her for many years. As she is doing right now while I am writing this post, she spent a lot of time curled up on his desk as he worked or played video games. Sometimes I wonder how the death of an owner impacts pets, and I often think about this when it comes to Kitty Cat. Did she wonder where he went and why he never came home? Was she afraid or did she feel abandoned? So, whenever I leave for more than a couple of days I worry that Kitty Cat thinks she has been abandoned. I worry that she thinks her person has once again left her and is never coming home. On top of this, I worry something will happen to her. I worry that she will become sick very quickly and I won’t be able to make it home to her fast enough. I felt a little silly being so worried about a cat, who had my sister caring for her while I was gone. But, the anxiety over this is real for me. I fear losing her, and I fear that she will feel abandoned. It really sucks.

The other way anxiety showed up for me this week was in new interactions and relationships with people who do not know about Boris. This has already happened for me many times before this week, but it still hangs around in my brain. What if someone asks me about my marital status or personal life? How much do I share? What if something is really triggering for me and I have to step away and no one understands why? I feel that I have more social anxiety since Boris died, and this is just one of the ways my mind races when I am in new social settings.

I hope that being home and returning to somewhat normal routines allows me to have respite from some of that anxiety in the next days and weeks. I imagine that anxiety related to my grief will always creep up on me, and show up in new ways as time goes on.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.