As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, […]
“No last goodbye”
One of the more difficult moments in the months after Boris died was attending a concert that we were supposed to go to together. For Boris’s birthday in March 2018, I purchased two tickets to see Odesza, one of Boris’s favorite groups, in Nashville. The concert was in May. But, he died in April. I […]
Sky full of stars.
This week when NASA released those new images of space, I immediately thought of Boris. I know that he would be intrigued and excited, but also he would have some sort of special insight…like, he already knew the images were going to be released because of some Reddit thread or he would know some obscure […]
It’s just a clothes basket.
Tonight the handle of my clothes basket broke. It is a cheap plastic basket from Target. Nothing fancy. No big deal, right? Except, it was Boris’s laundry basket. I don’t remember why it was one of his belongings that I kept. It is sort of an odd thing to keep. But, it was practical. I […]
Everywhere and nowhere.
You are everywhere and yet nowhere. Sometimes, you are everywhere. I hear songs you love playing in restaurants and shops. I hear jokes that you would have told. At least weekly, I see silver Honda Civics in parking lots and in traffic. It still makes me pause. I see people wearing shirts you owned. I […]
Tattoos.
I remember sitting around my kitchen table in the days that followed Boris’s death and talking to my close circle about getting a tattoo in his memory. We chose a semicolon for suicide awareness. I think 12 or so of us got the tattoo for him. Before Boris died, I had never gotten a tattoo. […]
No more life lessons, please.
I saw this TikTok the other day that made me go: “YES” (it was one of those that I repost on Instagram because I do not fully understand TikTok). In case you don’t want to watch it, the soundbite says, “I don’t want to learn any more life lessons! My character is developed! Go away!” […]
I should have done more.
**This post contains discussion of suicide and seeking mental health treatment for suicidal ideation. Some background: before Boris died by suicide, he was hospitalized three different times. Two times in the same hospital. He also did a partial hospitalization program at the same place and some evening groups. If you live in the U.S., especially […]
Daydreaming.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Boris came back to life now. If he just appeared again, alive and starting where he left off. Maybe he was never dead. Maybe he was just away. I have little daydreams about this pretty often (And, sometimes my subconscious joins in and I have vivid […]
Love has Paws
Dear Kitty Cat, What a silly name your dad gave you. I tried to convince him to choose a more creative name, but he was settled on Kitty Cat. Now, I couldn’t imagine you having any other name. And I could not imagine life without you, though I know all too well how fragile that […]
Return to Therapy
Tomorrow I will be returning to therapy after several months “off”. It feels like good timing, but I wonder how it will be different this time around. I started going to therapy shortly after Boris was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for the first time, in June 2017. We also saw a couples therapist for several […]
4 years
April 7th marks 4 years since I saw Boris alive. And, it still feels like, how can this be? I have been listening to Maren Morris’s new album and she has this song about someone she loves dying and imagining what the world would do without them. I know the sun will set into the […]