I am writing this on Tuesday night. I am very late in writing my Friday post, as I have been many times, and I appreciate the grace. Between caregiving for my dad, graduate school, and sometimes just feeling like I have nothing to say, some weeks I struggle to write something by Friday. But, tonight, […]
Do I hate fall?
Here in Atlanta, it is starting to feel like fall. I am sure we will have more hot and humid days ahead because our weather is so tricky, but this week we’ve started to feel our first taste of low humidity and crisp air as the season changes. Since Boris died, I have noticed that […]
Inside Jokes.
I miss inside jokes. And little things that only Boris would “get”. I was watching a Netflix movie several months ago, Desperados, and one of the main characters (a widower) says something about missing the “dinner party glance” with his late wife. That connection where you just give each other a “look” because you both […]
Septembers are for Guilt
**This post contains discussion of suicide** September is Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, which means a lot of emails, social media posts, etc. about suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I think awareness about suicide, including warning signs and how to help someone with suicidal ideation, is so important. We definitely need more people aware of […]
I need him to be here.
The photo on this post is of Boris and my dad, Steve. It was taken less than a month before Boris died. My dad looks so different now. He is probably 50 pounds lighter now. At that time, my dad didn’t need a walker as he does now. He could be left alone for at […]
Lonely in Missing Him
Boris was outgoing, although introverted, and very friendly with everyone he met. His goofy personality and genuine care made him memorable and easy to be around. However, he didn’t have many really close friends. He was still close with some of his high school friends, but they’d grown apart with distance and life changes (one […]
The weight of time.
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving treatment and after his death. Though the loss of her close friend at 18 years old was […]
The Day After
On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years by then. I didn’t agree to be his girlfriend until months down the road, but […]
Cry, Cry, Cry
It has been a while since I have cried. A really good, long cry. The last time I think was when I watched the Netflix movie Fatherhood. I sobbed during that one and then for a while after. Sometimes it feels so good to cry, doesn’t it? It is like it has been bottled up […]
Red, White, & Very Blue
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is more trauma-related rather than grief. Anyway, I thought if anybody would understand, it would be fellow widows and grievers. So, I thought I […]
Things.
I still have so many of Boris’s things. When he died, I think I moved too quickly in getting rid of a lot of stuff. I thought that I had to, I guess. I donated tons of shoes and clothes and some furniture. I even sold some of his valuable music and computer equipment. But, […]
Satisfied?
You know how on surveys or mental health screenings sometimes they’ll ask something like, “how satisfied are you with your life?” and they will let you pick on a scale of 1 to 5? I decided I really don’t like that question. But, maybe I don’t like it because I don’t know the answer. I […]