Widow's Voice

There’s no crying in baseball.

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I am writing this on Tuesday night. I am very late in writing my Friday post, as I have been many times, and I appreciate the grace. Between caregiving for my dad, graduate school, and sometimes just feeling like I have nothing to say, some weeks I struggle to write something by Friday. But, tonight, my writing topic came to me and I knew I needed to write about it. 

I have lived in Georgia my entire life and my family history here goes pretty far back. This means a few things, one of those being I was born an Atlanta Braves fan. I remember listening to games on sports radio in the car with my dad and going to Atlanta to see them at Turner Field. As a kid, I even got a baseball signed by the very dreamy Javy Lopez. 

Tonight, as I watched a very intense playoff game between the Braves and Brewers, I felt my grief sneaking in. I was filled with excitement, but sneaky grief was showing up! And then I realized all I wanted to do was text Boris. I really wanted him to be sitting there next to me watching nervously, talking trash, and analyzing the game. I flashed back to the infamous “infield fly” situation from several years ago when the Braves lost in the playoffs. I flashed back to the many Braves games I attended with Boris and the many games we watched on TV. I stared at my phone. I scrolled through my contacts. I texted one of Boris’s best friends about the game. But all I wanted was to talk to Boris. All I wanted was to share this moment. And, then when Freddie Freeman hit a home run and my dad said, “thank God for Freddie Freeman”, I just wanted to tell Boris so badly. Why isn’t he here to see this? Now we are going to the NL Championship Series. And I just want Boris to see this. And, maybe on the Other Side, there’s baseball. I mean, God must be a Braves fan, right? 😉 

Grief really does sneak up on you. And happy moments are so happy, but so sad at the same time. It is like everything will always have that sting. He will always be missing in the joy. Most of the years I knew Boris, he was a sports fan. Now that I reflect on this, he was a pretty avid Falcons, Braves, and Hawks fan until the last year or so of his life. I am not sure if his depression had something to do with it, but there was definitely a tapering off of sports fandom before he died. But, I have so many memories of going to games, playing Fantasy Football, and him teaching me sports rules. I loved his excitement, even when it was annoying or I found the games to be boring. If you are from Georgia, you know that being an Atlanta sports fan is very stressful and heartbreaking. So tonight’s win was really special. And, I just miss Boris so much right now.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.