Widow's Voice

Do I hate fall?

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Here in Atlanta, it is starting to feel like fall. I am sure we will have more hot and humid days ahead because our weather is so tricky, but this week we’ve started to feel our first taste of low humidity and crisp air as the season changes. Since Boris died, I have noticed that the change of the season from summer to fall makes me incredibly blue. This year, I have tried to pay closer attention because I can’t put my finger on why this season would make me especially sad. There are no special dates in the fall related to Boris or his death. My birthday is in December and of course, the holidays are hard, but I don’t know why the change from summer to fall is so difficult. I know that seasonal depression is very real, and I wonder if that is what is happening for me, but I thought that wouldn’t come until the very cold days of December and January.

One of the confusing parts about this feeling is that I truly love this weather. Today was very sunny, cool in the shade and warm in the sun, the humidity was low…it was a gorgeous day. I went for a walk mid-morning because I knew the weather was so nice. As I was walking, I began feeling sad. As soon as my body felt this season change, I felt a lump in my throat. Why am I so sad in this beautiful weather?! I know that gloomy, very cold days have made me sad in the past. And very rainy days bring my mood down. This makes sense for me–I am sensitive to the weather and it affects my mood. But, it just seems like this sunny, warm weather would make me happy. Everyone else is boasting about fall–how wonderful it feels outside and how excited they are to wear fall fashion and enjoy hot Starbucks drinks again. But, I just feel sad. I have to fake being happy about fall.

I am not exactly sure what is causing my seasonal sadness when summer fades to fall. I don’t know if it is just the passing of time and knowing I am living another season without Boris. I am not sure if it is that everyone else’s happiness is making me sad, maybe jealous? Maybe it is because it feels like everyone is so happy, so I am supposed to be happy, but I am just not. But, this sadness is real. And, I know I will have to work hard to care for myself this season.

I just thought I’d write my thoughts out and maybe it would help. Maybe there are others who feel similarly. If you are feeling blue right now, even as other people are soaking in the beautiful weather and planning fall activities, I am with you and you are not alone.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.