Widow's Voice

The Day After

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On July 25, 2008, Boris and I went to the beach. It was pretty romantic (as romantic as 17-year olds can be). We kissed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’d been friends for a couple of years by then. I didn’t agree to be his girlfriend until months down the road, but that’s a different story. I always thought of July 25th as “our day”. We sort-of celebrated it most years. We’d go do something together and we’d eat Arby’s because that’s what we ate on our first July 25th.

Since Boris died, July 25th has been another hard day. We were never married, so I don’t have a wedding anniversary. This also means that most people in my life don’t remember or mention July 25th. It’s a day I kind of keep to myself, and maybe post on social media about remembering him on this day.

On July 26th, 2019 I went on a first date with a guy. I was nervous, of course, as I’d just started to dip my toes in the dating world. Fast-forward to now, I am still friends with this guy and life has gotten in the way of us becoming something more, but I think eventually that will happen. I have mixed feelings about this date. When I met this guy, I didn’t think it would turn into anything. I was looking for casual and not thinking long-term at all. But, now I think, maybe there’s some symbolism in this…like turning a page or moving forward. The day after. It kind of scares me to think about.

In the midst of me pondering this, I heard that people were criticizing Amanda Kloots for mentioning that she was beginning to date again (she lost her husband, Nick Cordero, to COVID a little over a year ago). I am so angry that people are so judgemental, especially people who have zero idea what it is like to lose their spouse or partner. I am thankful to Amanda Kloots for talking publicly about this and I hope that she is comforted and surrounded by a supportive widow community.

I am not sure what is going to happen with my July 26th guy. I just know that he’s become a great friend and someone I can be myself with, including my sadness and grief. And when I feel voices judging me or questioning this, I try to remember that my relationships are my business and that only I can know what is best.

This road to moving forward is hard, y’all. But, we are here.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.