Isn’t it weird and incredible what we can do if we have no other choice? Our traumatic experiences, before they happened, seemed foreign and impossible. They seemed like things we would not be able to survive. And we definitely never thought we could not only survive but function and do the “tasks” of grief. But […]
It is just a spider.
Yesterday, March 10th, Boris should have turned 31. But, as we all know, our people are forever frozen in time. In his case, he’s forever 27. I miss him so much every day, but on his birthday I always feel his absence a little more. For his birthday, wanted to share a memory and what […]
Undone.
A partially written Master’s thesis. Half-completed songs. Medication bottles with pills still inside. An unmade bed. A guitar halfway strung. Bills unpaid. A bottle of water never finished. A face of stubble never shaved. Laundry that needed washing. Tickets to concerts never to be attended. A cat that needed to be fed. Work and volunteer […]
The World’s Loss
Sometimes I get sad for other people’s loss of Boris. Not only people he knew but also the people who never got to meet him. At times this grief feels worse than my own even though I know it isn’t. Boris was so many things to so many people. And then there are the people […]
Reflecting on Early Days of Grief
I am realizing that I am now far enough out from my loss to have some perspective on my behaviors and reactions when I was only hours, days, weeks, and months out from it. Isn’t it weird how much we forget and the parts we remember? And I wonder how much of it I remember […]
Loving him was red.
So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together, and so many big life moments together. I have no engagement photos or stories, no wedding videos, no “bought our first […]
“Happy” New Year?
Well, somehow tomorrow marks a new year. If I am being honest, I do not feel cheery or happy with the ring of the new year. I feel like 2021 was just a year of surviving and getting by. My dad’s health took a turn in late December 2020 and since then he has needed 24/7 […]
Holidays, Weddings, Pandemics, Oh My
December is always so busy and it seems generally stressful for every human. With my grief in the mix, it is anxiety-filled with moments of deep sadness and holiday blues. Now add caregiving for my dad with Parkinson’s and dementia. Plus, don’t forget a pandemic! And, this weekend I have a wedding to attend. My […]
31.
Well, in a few days I turn 31. Last year’s birthday felt hard because I was entering a new decade that Boris will never experience. He is forever 27. Frozen in time. And now 31 feels so far from 27. Like I am a different person, entering a whole new world that is separate from […]
Grief & Fitbit
I remember when Boris and I both got Fitbit watches. We were both so excited for this new “thing” that everyone was doing and we had fun competing with each other. We went on a trip to New York and we got like 18,000 steps one day, which was very exciting. After a year or […]
I did a *thing*
Last weekend, I did a “thing”. I went on a weekend trip with a guy (one that is actually *alive*…gasp). I met this guy in summer 2019 when I was giving the dating app thing a try. It’s been over two years, but we have never really made things official because life made things so […]
Widow Appreciation Post.
Until Boris died I did not realize how much it means for someone to be able to say, “me, too”. In the weeks and months following his death, I craved stories and relationships with people who had lost their person or lost someone they love to suicide. I wanted to only watch movies, read books, […]