December is always so busy and it seems generally stressful for every human. With my grief in the mix, it is anxiety-filled with moments of deep sadness and holiday blues. Now add caregiving for my dad with Parkinson’s and dementia. Plus, don’t forget a pandemic! And, this weekend I have a wedding to attend. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. And I wish I could just press pause on life and take the longest nap ever.
A silver lining to all of this madness is that I haven’t had many moments where my brain really is able to get stuck in grief. There is too much to do and too many other things to worry about. I haven’t had time to really sit in my grief. But, I know tomorrow evening at the wedding my brain will definitely remember. My heart will ache. And I am trying to be okay with allowing that ache to happen. I wish he was attending this wedding with me. Instead, I am going alone. I know I will be worried about COVID, wondering if my dad is having a bad night and how my mom is holding up, and thinking about those last-minute gifts I haven’t gotten, but I also know that my mind will wander off into the thoughts of what a wedding with Boris would have been like. And, I will ask the universe and God, “why didn’t I get this?” Why not me? I know I will be sad, but I will also try to find joy and appreciation for this expression of love. I will try to have fun and celebrate, too.
Through this busy and stressful season, I am grateful for friends, especially fellow widowed people, who are there for me during my moments of sadness. I feel his absence all the time and I think of him so often, but the true sadness and tragedy of his death is often tucked away in my brain when I am busy. And it means so much to have people I can text or call when the weight of this reality hits me again.
I am sending extra love and joy to everyone grieving this holiday season. All of the Christmas parties that you wish your partner was attending with you, all of those holiday meals where their seat is empty, every time you see something in a store that would have been a perfect gift for your person…I am here with you. I know it hurts. Boris should be here for this holiday season. He should be here for this seemingly never ending pandemic. He should be here for this wedding and to help me take care of my dad. He should be here so I can buy him too many gifts and make him take Christmas photos. He should be here. And your person should be here too.