Widow's Voice

Holidays, Weddings, Pandemics, Oh My

| Posted by:

December is always so busy and it seems generally stressful for every human. With my grief in the mix, it is anxiety-filled with moments of deep sadness and holiday blues. Now add caregiving for my dad with Parkinson’s and dementia. Plus, don’t forget a pandemic! And, this weekend I have a wedding to attend. My brain is tired. My heart is tired. And I wish I could just press pause on life and take the longest nap ever.

A silver lining to all of this madness is that I haven’t had many moments where my brain really is able to get stuck in grief. There is too much to do and too many other things to worry about. I haven’t had time to really sit in my grief. But, I know tomorrow evening at the wedding my brain will definitely remember. My heart will ache. And I am trying to be okay with allowing that ache to happen. I wish he was attending this wedding with me. Instead, I am going alone. I know I will be worried about COVID, wondering if my dad is having a bad night and how my mom is holding up, and thinking about those last-minute gifts I haven’t gotten, but I also know that my mind will wander off into the thoughts of what a wedding with Boris would have been like. And, I will ask the universe and God, “why didn’t I get this?” Why not me? I know I will be sad, but I will also try to find joy and appreciation for this expression of love. I will try to have fun and celebrate, too.

Through this busy and stressful season, I am grateful for friends, especially fellow widowed people, who are there for me during my moments of sadness. I feel his absence all the time and I think of him so often, but the true sadness and tragedy of his death is often tucked away in my brain when I am busy. And it means so much to have people I can text or call when the weight of this reality hits me again.

I am sending extra love and joy to everyone grieving this holiday season. All of the Christmas parties that you wish your partner was attending with you, all of those holiday meals where their seat is empty, every time you see something in a store that would have been a perfect gift for your person…I am here with you. I know it hurts. Boris should be here for this holiday season. He should be here for this seemingly never ending pandemic. He should be here for this wedding and to help me take care of my dad. He should be here so I can buy him too many gifts and make him take Christmas photos. He should be here. And your person should be here too.

 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.