Widow's Voice

I did a *thing*

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Last weekend, I did a “thing”. I went on a weekend trip with a guy (one that is actually *alive*…gasp). I met this guy in summer 2019 when I was giving the dating app thing a try. It’s been over two years, but we have never really made things official because life made things so complicated (ya know…pandemic, had to move in with my parents, my dad’s health, this guy works a lot, etc.). Sometimes I refer to him as a “pen pal” because we don’t see each other often, but we text every day. It just never made sense to stop talking to one another because we were both ok with whatever it was, without rushing things. I just enjoy his company. He is kind, smart, and funny. He is the kind of person who saves bugs and puts them outside instead of killing them (just like Boris) and he loves animals. He doesn’t get weird when I talk about Boris and I have been honest since Day 1 about my grief and that Boris is still a big part of my life. 

This weekend getaway was a big step for us, I would say. Mostly because before we left, he met my family. A few hours before this, my brain started to realize the weight of this moment. I started “dating” Boris in high school, so I have never brought home a guy to meet my family like most others my age have done. And as my brain realized that this was about to happen, my heart began to realize it too and for a brief moment, I thought, “Boris should be here to meet him!”. It just seemed to make sense. He was meeting the most important people in my life, so naturally, Boris should be one of them. But, not only is he dead, but that might be kind of awkward, right? My brain and heart had some trouble reconciling this. I was not sure how to explain this to friends who are not widowed (and that felt a little lonely). This wasn’t your average “meet the parents” situation. My family knew Boris since we were teenagers. They watched him grow up. He was part of my family. And, now he is dead. And there’s this new guy. This is a big deal. 

I am not sure what will happen next with this new person. Perhaps more of the same. But, right now I know my heart and brain are trying to process what this means for me and for my life. Right now, I am just trying to remain present and enjoy it. After all, we do only live once, as we all know too well.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.