Widow's Voice

Satisfied?

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You know how on surveys or mental health screenings sometimes they’ll ask something like, “how satisfied are you with your life?” and they will let you pick on a scale of 1 to 5? I decided I really don’t like that question. But, maybe I don’t like it because I don’t know the answer. I don’t really know if I am happy with my life right now. Tonight, I am writing out my thought process to maybe try and answer that question.

I am healthy for the most part. I am educated and I have skills to offer the world. I enjoy my current work as a research assistant and full-time student. I like being near my family and I like my friendships mostly. I currently do not have to worry about having enough money to pay rent or a mortgage. I feel safe. Most days are not terrible days. I have people who I care about that I can call on anytime. 

But, my partner is…dead. And, he died by suicide. And that really messed me up. I really miss him. I miss our life. I grieve our future and his future. I live with a broken heart. And my dad has Parkinson’s and dementia. And it sucks a lot. And, due to being single, my finances, and caregiving for my dad, I live with my parents right now. I feel like I don’t have independence. I feel like I have moved backward in life. I don’t like my body–I weigh more now than I ever have in my life and I feel uncomfortable. I have a hard time getting close to people and the person I was closest to died 3 years ago. And then there was the whole pandemic thing. 

So, where does that bring me on the 1-5 scale? A 3? Some days maybe a 2, some days maybe a 4. But, never a 5. The truth is, I will probably never be able to say that I am 100% happy. I mean, is anyone really? Boris will always be dead. He will always have left this Earth in a terribly tragic way and I will always have unanswered questions. So, no I am not a 5. I am not completely satisfied with my life because the loss I experienced really puts a dark cloud over everything else. But, I know I am lucky. I know I am so, so lucky to have the support system that I have. To be loved, to be healthy, and safe. I am lucky to have family and education and, of course, my cat. I am not completely unsatisfied with my life. But, I still live with this chronic sadness and hurt. 

That’s where I am right now, I guess. A 3 for today. I don’t like that my life turned out as it did, but here I am. I am moving forward, even if it is one tiny step at a time. Never a 5, but probably never a 1 either. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.