You know how on surveys or mental health screenings sometimes they’ll ask something like, “how satisfied are you with your life?” and they will let you pick on a scale of 1 to 5? I decided I really don’t like that question. But, maybe I don’t like it because I don’t know the answer. I don’t really know if I am happy with my life right now. Tonight, I am writing out my thought process to maybe try and answer that question.
I am healthy for the most part. I am educated and I have skills to offer the world. I enjoy my current work as a research assistant and full-time student. I like being near my family and I like my friendships mostly. I currently do not have to worry about having enough money to pay rent or a mortgage. I feel safe. Most days are not terrible days. I have people who I care about that I can call on anytime.
But, my partner is…dead. And, he died by suicide. And that really messed me up. I really miss him. I miss our life. I grieve our future and his future. I live with a broken heart. And my dad has Parkinson’s and dementia. And it sucks a lot. And, due to being single, my finances, and caregiving for my dad, I live with my parents right now. I feel like I don’t have independence. I feel like I have moved backward in life. I don’t like my body–I weigh more now than I ever have in my life and I feel uncomfortable. I have a hard time getting close to people and the person I was closest to died 3 years ago. And then there was the whole pandemic thing.
So, where does that bring me on the 1-5 scale? A 3? Some days maybe a 2, some days maybe a 4. But, never a 5. The truth is, I will probably never be able to say that I am 100% happy. I mean, is anyone really? Boris will always be dead. He will always have left this Earth in a terribly tragic way and I will always have unanswered questions. So, no I am not a 5. I am not completely satisfied with my life because the loss I experienced really puts a dark cloud over everything else. But, I know I am lucky. I know I am so, so lucky to have the support system that I have. To be loved, to be healthy, and safe. I am lucky to have family and education and, of course, my cat. I am not completely unsatisfied with my life. But, I still live with this chronic sadness and hurt.
That’s where I am right now, I guess. A 3 for today. I don’t like that my life turned out as it did, but here I am. I am moving forward, even if it is one tiny step at a time. Never a 5, but probably never a 1 either.