I still have so many of Boris’s things. When he died, I think I moved too quickly in getting rid of a lot of stuff. I thought that I had to, I guess. I donated tons of shoes and clothes and some furniture. I even sold some of his valuable music and computer equipment. But, I still have so many things.
Some of it I use every day. I mean, the laptop I am typing this on was his. It was nicer than mine, so I kept this one. It was a practical decision, but one that made me feel close to him at the same time. I even use his desk. It is also nicer than the one I had. When I look around my space, I see his guitar, his Rubik’s cube, his lamp, and his keyboard. These things are always there, surrounding my daily life.
Then, I have things that I don’t use or have on display, but I haven’t been able to give or throw away. His phone. His glasses. His keys. Some of his button-down shirts that he wore a lot. A pair of pajama pants. His deodorant. Yes, it’s been used. His pillows with unwashed pillowcases. If I breathe them in really hard, I can still smell him.
When he was hospitalized in a psychiatric facility, I would take him clothes and books and things, but I had to put a tag on the bag when I got there so they’d get it to him. I still have some of those bags I used, with the name tags still on. Those things make me feel sad, so I am not sure why I keep them. But I do.
The “weirdest” thing I have I think is a basically empty can of Pledge furniture spray. I don’t know why I kept it. There were so many other things of his that I threw away. I don’t even remember what I did with his shampoo or his toothbrush. Things that are far more personal than Pledge furniture spray. But, it’s still with me. I don’t know how long I will keep it. Maybe one day I will just accidentally throw it away because I can’t remember why I have it.
There’s no timeline on when to get rid of his belongings, I know. It’s up to me. But, I do wonder what it might be like for a future partner to have so much of Boris in our shared space. I wonder how much I will be able to let go of things. Or maybe just put some things away. I wonder if this person will even mind, or maybe they’ll like having his stuff around too. I have moved twice since Boris died, so I wonder if his stuff will just keep moving with me. And I wonder what will happen when I break something or lose something or something just gets old. Will I be upset or will it feel like it was time to let it go? Will I save the broken things? Will it be like this useless Pledge spray bottle? An artifact of his life?
As a matter of fact, where the hell is that bottle of Pledge?