Widow's Voice

Things.

| Posted by:

I still have so many of Boris’s things. When he died, I think I moved too quickly in getting rid of a lot of stuff. I thought that I had to, I guess. I donated tons of shoes and clothes and some furniture. I even sold some of his valuable music and computer equipment. But, I still have so many things. 

Some of it I use every day. I mean, the laptop I am typing this on was his. It was nicer than mine, so I kept this one. It was a practical decision, but one that made me feel close to him at the same time. I even use his desk. It is also nicer than the one I had. When I look around my space, I see his guitar, his Rubik’s cube, his lamp, and his keyboard. These things are always there, surrounding my daily life. 

Then, I have things that I don’t use or have on display, but I haven’t been able to give or throw away. His phone. His glasses. His keys. Some of his button-down shirts that he wore a lot. A pair of pajama pants. His deodorant. Yes, it’s been used. His pillows with unwashed pillowcases. If I breathe them in really hard, I can still smell him. 

When he was hospitalized in a psychiatric facility, I would take him clothes and books and things, but I had to put a tag on the bag when I got there so they’d get it to him. I still have some of those bags I used, with the name tags still on. Those things make me feel sad, so I am not sure why I keep them. But I do.

The “weirdest” thing I have I think is a basically empty can of Pledge furniture spray. I don’t know why I kept it. There were so many other things of his that I threw away. I don’t even remember what I did with his shampoo or his toothbrush. Things that are far more personal than Pledge furniture spray. But, it’s still with me. I don’t know how long I will keep it. Maybe one day I will just accidentally throw it away because I can’t remember why I have it.

There’s no timeline on when to get rid of his belongings, I know. It’s up to me. But, I do wonder what it might be like for a future partner to have so much of Boris in our shared space. I wonder how much I will be able to let go of things. Or maybe just put some things away. I wonder if this person will even mind, or maybe they’ll like having his stuff around too. I have moved twice since Boris died, so I wonder if his stuff will just keep moving with me. And I wonder what will happen when I break something or lose something or something just gets old. Will I be upset or will it feel like it was time to let it go? Will I save the broken things? Will it be like this useless Pledge spray bottle? An artifact of his life?

As a matter of fact, where the hell is that bottle of Pledge?

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.