Widow's Voice

“No last goodbye”

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One of the more difficult moments in the months after Boris died was attending a concert that we were supposed to go to together. For Boris’s birthday in March 2018, I purchased two tickets to see Odesza, one of Boris’s favorite groups, in Nashville. The concert was in May. But, he died in April. I debated whether or not I should go, but ultimately, I decided to. A close friend went with me and I brought some of Boris’s ashes with me. It was so cathartic. It was really difficult, but I am so glad that I went. Now, their music holds a special place in my heart and reminds me of Boris. Sometimes when I want to feel connected with him I will listen to them. I will always think about how he was never able to go to that show with me. 

They haven’t released a new album or toured since 2017/2018 until this year. They have a new album out and I will be going to see them in October. I knew that it would be a Boris moment for me, but I hadn’t really given it a lot of thought yet. It was one of those things where I really wanted there to be some sort of sign from Boris, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But, this was the email and social media post for their new album that just dropped:

When I read it, I immediately felt like it was a sign from Boris. I know I may be reading into it too much, but it just feels too coincidental. It was just what I needed as I have been feeling disconnected from him. 

So, with that, I plan to listen to this album on repeat and be more intentional in trying to connect with Boris because sometimes I am just not paying attention.

I hear you, my love…keep sending me signs. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.