Widow's Voice

Body.

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As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, though I have less intrusive thoughts about it. I remember the way his body felt when I found him and tried to wake him up. I remember the way his lips felt when I tried to give him mouth to mouth. I remember the weight of his body on the pavement when I helped the police officer lay him down. And, I remember the phone call when someone called about donating some of his body tissue and how horrible that was to talk about just hours after his death. His body was lifeless. And then his body was cut open. And then his body was turned to ash. His body that I’d known for 14 years, the one I embraced, the one I hugged, the one I knew like the back of my hand…it was gone. 

When Boris was laying beside me or we were just hanging out, sometimes I would trace my fingers over his face or his hands to try to memorize them. To other people, that might sound weird. I mean, Boris thought it was kind of weird sometimes too. But, for some reason, I felt like I needed to make note of it in my brain. Tracing his eyes and earlobes as I closed my eyes and thought something about this is important. I am glad I did that. I am glad I made note. I remember his strong, piano-playing hands and his dark eyes. I can still see the funny way he walked–kind of up on his toes. And I remember the scars on his wrist from an angry patient (a cat) at the vet’s office where he worked. I remember the softness of his skin and the way his lips felt. This aspect of grief and missing him are hard. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it to people…I feel more comfortable saying I miss his laugh, his friendship, and his witty jokes. But, saying I miss his body feels so much more personal. But, I do. I miss it so much. 

I am afraid I will forget things about his physical body. I wish I’d taken more photos and videos of him…what I have now will never seem like enough. Partner loss is so hard because you lose that physical touch and it is unique to you and that person. You have that warmth, that physical connection and then one day it is gone. And now mixed up with the happy memories of Boris’s body are my memories of his body the night he died.  

 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.