I saw this TikTok the other day that made me go: “YES” (it was one of those that I repost on Instagram because I do not fully understand TikTok). In case you don’t want to watch it, the soundbite says, “I don’t want to learn any more life lessons! My character is developed! Go away!” and the caption says, “Me to the Universe”.
And man, that is how I feel about my life, especially at age 31. Most people lose a life partner much later in life (and most people do not lose their life partner to suicide). And, on top of that, most people do not have to become a caregiver to a parent until much later in life, especially to a parent with dementia. But, here I am. At 27, I lost my partner. At 29, a global pandemic hit us all. And, at 30 my previously minimal role as caregiver to my dad turned into a significant part of my daily life and identity. Whew. These 4 years have been A LOT. Needless to say, I am so exhausted with crises, life changes, trauma, and grief.
In my second session with my new therapist, she mentioned this and I felt such a relief when I hear her say it. She acknowledged how many traumatic, life-altering, and stressful events have happened to me in such a short span of time. And, though I do not like that this is my reality, I did feel this weight feel a little bit lighter because someone else was recognizing it and validating it.
Sometimes I still minimize my loss. Even after reading all the books and following all of the grief Instagram accounts and doing all the therapy…I still have days where I sort of downplay it…like I should not be affected by it that much anymore or that other people have it way worse than I do. Sometimes I still feel like Boris’s death is the main plot of my story and that it should not be anymore, that I need to focus on a new plot and close that chapter. But, the truth is, my relationship with him, his life, and his death will likely always be a major plot point. As my dad’s health has declined, this has become another huge piece of my story…and I am sure this is not the last significant event, though I hope the ones in the future are a little happier.
I hope the Universe will give me a break. Like, at least until I am 40! I am exhausted. I feel like I have learned enough life lessons for right now. I never thought this would be the story of my late 20s and early 30s. It doesn’t seem right. And, nothing can make it better…but acknowledging it and hearing someone else validate it somehow makes it feel a little less heavy.