Widow's Voice

No more life lessons, please.

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I saw this TikTok the other day that made me go: “YES” (it was one of those that I repost on Instagram because I do not fully understand TikTok). In case you don’t want to watch it, the soundbite says, “I don’t want to learn any more life lessons! My character is developed! Go away!” and the caption says, “Me to the Universe”.

And man, that is how I feel about my life, especially at age 31. Most people lose a life partner much later in life (and most people do not lose their life partner to suicide). And, on top of that, most people do not have to become a caregiver to a parent until much later in life, especially to a parent with dementia. But, here I am. At 27, I lost my partner. At 29, a global pandemic hit us all. And, at 30 my previously minimal role as caregiver to my dad turned into a significant part of my daily life and identity. Whew. These 4 years have been A LOT. Needless to say, I am so exhausted with crises, life changes, trauma, and grief.

In my second session with my new therapist, she mentioned this and I felt such a relief when I hear her say it. She acknowledged how many traumatic, life-altering, and stressful events have happened to me in such a short span of time. And, though I do not like that this is my reality, I did feel this weight feel a little bit lighter because someone else was recognizing it and validating it.

Sometimes I still minimize my loss. Even after reading all the books and following all of the grief Instagram accounts and doing all the therapy…I still have days where I sort of downplay it…like I should not be affected by it that much anymore or that other people have it way worse than I do. Sometimes I still feel like Boris’s death is the main plot of my story and that it should not be anymore, that I need to focus on a new plot and close that chapter. But, the truth is, my relationship with him, his life, and his death will likely always be a major plot point. As my dad’s health has declined, this has become another huge piece of my story…and I am sure this is not the last significant event, though I hope the ones in the future are a little happier.

I hope the Universe will give me a break. Like, at least until I am 40! I am exhausted. I feel like I have learned enough life lessons for right now. I never thought this would be the story of my late 20s and early 30s. It doesn’t seem right. And, nothing can make it better…but acknowledging it and hearing someone else validate it somehow makes it feel a little less heavy.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.