Widow's Voice

Sky full of stars.

| Posted by:

This week when NASA released those new images of space, I immediately thought of Boris. I know that he would be intrigued and excited, but also he would have some sort of special insight…like, he already knew the images were going to be released because of some Reddit thread or he would know some obscure information about the telescope or something. That was just the way Boris was–always in the know and always fascinated by things. Especially science things. Pretty much every news story since Boris died has made me say, “damn, I wish I could talk about this with Boris”, but some are bigger gut punches than others. This one was a very Boris news event. 

But, looking at these images that keep popping up in my social media feed and in the news, I am also thinking of him in a bit more existential way. Like, hey, is Boris in one of those galaxies now? Is he in one of those colors? Life has felt so stressful and chaotic recently that I haven’t thought as much about Boris in this way. I still think of him every day, in the mundane everyday situations that remind me of him or something reminds me that he is no longer here and I miss him…but, I haven’t thought of his being or his energy lately. And looking at these stars helped me reconnect with my beliefs or thoughts about where he is. Sometimes it is too big and too scary to think about, which is why I think I avoid it…it makes my brain hurt. I feel like I do not have time to even think about it because it is too big to grasp. But, this week I am reminded to get back in touch with the spirituality of grief…the Afterlife, I guess. I think I needed that reminder…if that makes sense. 

Boris, I don’t know if you are in one of those galaxies now…maybe you are right here next to me thinking I have really gone crazy. But, imagining where you are sometimes helps me connect to you more in the present rather than just to your memory. Wherever you are, I hope you know how much I still miss you and wish you were here in this dimension so you could explain all this space stuff to me. I love you.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.