Widow's Voice

Grief Thoughts of the Week

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This week, I have a lot floating in my head. And I don’t feel like I have enough to really say about any of it to make a full post. Or, maybe some of it just feels too hard to write about right now. So, I thought I’d just note all of my grief/Boris thoughts lately. There are always more, sometimes they are recurring, but sometimes they are new ones. This week, this is what has been on my mind…

  • I am sad that Boris has missed out on all of the AI advancements. I mean, he would have loved ChatGPT! And I would already have heard about all of the ins and outs of AI and its impact on everything we do. Maybe he could have finished his Master’s thesis with ChatGPT honestly…
  • I cannot find this special item that belonged to Boris. Maybe one day I will feel up for writing more about it. But that has been really bumming me out. And I feel guilty.
  • I find myself again struggling with time…how has it been 5 years? How am I 32 years old? I feel like I am letting my life and time just slip away from me. Like I just live to get through the days. I feel like grief has robbed me of part of my life…but that feels terrible to say?
  • I have thought a few times this week about my advanced directive and how Boris is named as my decision-maker. I always knew he would take a science and practical approach to deciding my end-of-life care if the time ever came. And now I have to change that. And that feels really sad.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share some thoughts that keep popping up in my mind lately. Maybe some of them resonate with others, and maybe I will be able to write more deeply about them in the future. Life feels kind of hard right now for many reasons, and I miss Boris a lot.

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.