Sometimes I do what I call “pressing the bruise” and look at something or do something that I know will trigger my grief or feel sad. This week, I did one of those things and I read through saved text messages with Boris. And yeah, it did hurt. Especially the messages where I was angry with him, or we were talking about him struggling with something. Boris was not very good at replying to texts, so there were a lot of “please reply!” or “hello? Are you ok?” I was always so frustrated by this, and then really worried once I knew he was struggling with his mental health. Some of the texts were really hard to read again, and brought up some trauma and unsettling feelings.
However, I also had fun (!!) reading some of the messages. I laughed out loud at some of the jokes, or memories of funny situations we were referring to. There were a couple of gifs, and some pop culture references. And some discussion of the people in our lives–our families, our friends, and of course, our cat. Reading some of the texts was a nice trip down memory lane. Bittersweet, I guess?
The most significant thing about reading these texts was that I was reminded of how often we said “I love you”. I can get caught up in wondering if I said it enough to him, and sometimes even caught up in the question of, did he really love me? I think losing someone to suicide makes those thoughts and feelings more complicated, especially because we didn’t always have a smooth, easy relationship–we had a lot of arguments and conflicts. Reading the “I love you” texts was really important for me, and I felt some relief. I know the doubts and feelings won’t go away just because of this, but it certainly felt good and somewhat healing.
I don’t know when the next time will be that I will revisit these texts or other messages we exchanged, but for now, I think this experience was good for me this time, albeit difficult. I just will always wish I had more. More photos, videos, and texts. I will always want more of him.