Widow's Voice

Grief fail.

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After Boris died, I felt this need to in some ways carry on who he was, including his interests and passions. I knew that his love for science wouldn’t be one I could try to tackle, and I tried to care for his computer and techy belongings in the best way I knew how, but I was still a bit lost. Boris was an incredible musician and could probably play any instrument, but he was especially good at the piano. So, one of his possessions that I felt committed to was his keyboard, and even though I have zero musical background or talent, I felt compelled to start taking lessons so that it would be used and I could somehow make him proud. I had this vision that I would become very good at piano and play the songs he used to play, and somehow feel this special connection to him in that. Early on, I thought that playing piano was going to be some kind of window to him, a way for me to demonstrate that I was carrying him with me through music.

Well, for the last four years I have been taking piano lessons. And…struggling at piano lessons. To be fair, there have been some gaps in between lessons and there have been lots of life stressors in between–the pandemic shifted my lessons to virtual, my dad’s care needs, etc. But, if I am being 100% honest with myself and with everyone else, I am really not good at piano. I do not love playing it. I do not think about doing it for fun in my spare time. It is really hard, and I have not gotten “into” it like I’d imagined. All of my hopes and dreams for what it would mean for me to play Boris’s piano feel like…well, a failure. I feel like I have let him down somehow. Like I have not carried his memory on like I wanted to–his talents and interests. I feel like learning piano is one of my grief fails.

Right now I am taking a break from lessons so I can focus more time on writing my dissertation, but also so I can reflect on this hobby and if it makes sense to continue. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be good at piano. I want to love it. I want to walk over to the keyboard and play a familiar tune. I want to feel comfortable playing, and feel inspired to play. But, at least for now, I just don’t. And, I know in my rational brain that it is ok. It is ok for me to not love piano for Boris. I know that it doesn’t mean I have failed. But there is still that sneaky guilty griefy part of my heart that says: You should have tried harder. You have to do this for Boris! 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.