Widow's Voice

An Unwanted Independence Day

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Tomorrow is the fourth 4th of July that I have an independence I never wanted…

Tomorrow is our anniversary. Fitting that the start of our short journey together would be full of fireworks because that is exactly how I felt every time I looked into your eyes. You lit me up and now I have to find my light myself. My heart beat so hard for you and was louder than any pop, bang or sizzle shot into the July night sky. All beautiful displays have an ending but I didn’t know the finale of your show would end so soon.

I don’t do well on the 4th. I feel like an abandoned dog that hides from the bright lights and loud sounds of others celebrating their freedoms. My freedom is full of fears that some of my dreams might just fade like falling fireworks.

Fourth of July hits me twice since I lost my dad and Tin the same year. My father passed away on June 29th and the last 4th Tin and I had together we were there for my father’s funeral. We didn’t know it was going to be our last anniversary. I didn’t know I wasn’t going to get another chance to celebrate with you, Tin.

I’m still not ready to celebrate my unwanted widowed independence. I’m still not ready to be at the barbecue and see couples together while a dad makes sure the burgers are flipped. The sights, smells and sounds of celebration fill the air but tomorrow I’ll just be doing my best to keep a sparkle of hope in my heart…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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