Raise your hand if you’ve been asked why you still talk about your dead person. Raise your other hand if you’ve been judged as hanging on. Stand up if you’ve been asked how long will this grief continue? Now stand on the nearest chair and balance really well. This chair is your soapbox. You don’t […]
Widowed Emotions
Some Softer Dates
All Photos my own It’s been a good week. Surprisingly good, for the time of year. A slew of special events and treats. Lots of variety – much more than in recent COVID-times – including a flight and a visit to another country! What’s not to love? And all with the underlay of loss and […]
Hollow (third edition)
Outwardly, my life has remained stable and solid. In many ways I am a vision of “widowed success”. I returned to a good career, I still have the house, the car, and the kids. On the outside, the condition of my life looks good. Aside from Mike’s death, my life may even be enviable to some; but things are not as they appear. Like the aesthetically pleasing chocolate bunnies, I look to be well dressed and professionally presented; but, inside me there is something lacking. Inside of me, the landscape of my Soul is barren – or at least it was for many years. For a long time after he died I was hollow inside like the foil bunnies. On the inside of me there was ‘nothing’. Where there used to be unbridled joy there was emptiness.
Three Years.
April 7th marks 3 years since Boris died. 3 years since I have seen his face, heard his voice, or touched him. I honestly do not know how I survived the last 3 years. In the first few weeks and months, the loss consumed every part of me. I still think about him every single […]
The “Better Place”
“It’s so hard to lose someone but remember he’s in a…” I’ve always struggled with religion. I was raised Irish Catholic and being gay was not accepted the way it is more openly today. I’m not sharing this to start a discussion on religious beliefs but to paint a picture of this aspect of my […]
The Miles Under Me~
I walked down 15 steps on that long ago day that was both yesterday and years ago, 3 weeks after your death. I carried my suitcases. Your suitcase. All the assorted bags carrying all our worldly belongings. I gently placed the urn carrying your cremains in the passenger seat. It felt warm to the touch. […]
Less is More
My worldly possessions feel heavy. They are housed in my home and chain me to a life that I no longer wish to participate in. I don’t give a shit about the stuff on my walls or the sofa across from me. It is all meaningless to me. What can it do for me? What does it do for anyone really?
Moving forward, I do not want things. What matters to me is the feel of things, not the actual things. I want to live a full and joy filled life that draws inspiration from experiences – not stuff. And, sure, it is true, I do like nice things; but material things do not fill my heart with happiness. In fact, my worldly possessions feel weighty to me. They feel like a burden to me. In the near future, I hope to travel and I do not want to have to worry about storing my things while I am gone. To me, more is less.
Social Anxieties
As COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations are less scary plus more and more people are getting vaccinated, it seems like there is finally hope for somewhat normalcy in the coming months. There is a sense of optimism in the air and people are thinking about plans to return to in-person activities and traveling for the first […]
The Grief Keeper
For almost 3 years, I have been writing each week. I missed a few here and there but that’s life. Year 1 was a fog. Year 2 was sharp realizations. Year 3, I finally accepted that Clayton was not coming back and it was time to focus less on losing him and more on keeping […]
The Intimacy of Grief~
In the early years of this widowed life, it was as if a meat slicer lived inside my chest, right around my heart. The chopping sensation was a 24 hour thing and it affected my breathing. Somewhere in the 3rd year I sought out counseling and went through some EMDR sessions, along with bi-lateral brain […]
Having All Your Birthdays in One Day – take 5
It is Mike’s 65th birthday today. On March 22nd, I will always “celebrate” him. There will never be a birthday of his that I don’t think tenderly of him. On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived. I celebrate the life and love we shared together. This is how I try […]
Bachelor of Grief
I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. Two years last April I got […]