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Bachelor of Grief

Posted on: March 20, 2021 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. Two years last April I got my WU associates and now I’m almost through my junior year headed towards my bachelor of widowed degree.

“What do you want to be when you graduate Bryan?”

I’ve gained knowledge but where do I fit in now out in the big world? You don’t graduate from the grief. You graduate with it.

It’s Spring, people are talking about weddings, getting engaged, having babies and finding partners. I have none of that and no one knows if I ever will have those chances again. No one can say for sure that I won’t be a bachelor for the rest of my life. No one can say that there’s a guy out there that the universe plans for me to meet. What if Tin was it and the universe just plans for me to be alone for the rest of life. That’s a real possibility and it hurts.

Always just a brides-man never the groom, the fun uncle but never the dad, the guy that’s there if you need him but “out of sight” unfortunately feels like “out of mind”. It’s a constant struggle to feel happy for others and sad for myself at the same time – a bachelor of balancing being bereaved and begrudging. As they walk down the aisle, babies take first steps forward, couples buy their dream homes, I just keep seeing people walk away together without me. What happens when everyone is gone?

Does this degree mean I’m destined to just be that lonely old gay guy full of widowed wisdom – A Bachelor of Grief.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Without Children, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Belongings, Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Widowed by Illness

Bryan Martin

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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