I never wanted to apply and enroll here at Widowed University. I’ve always been opened to learning more in life but I never wanted this education. Like I said last week, the build up to Clayton’s death day is one of the hardest times of the year for me. Two years last April I got my WU associates and now I’m almost through my junior year headed towards my bachelor of widowed degree.
“What do you want to be when you graduate Bryan?”
I’ve gained knowledge but where do I fit in now out in the big world? You don’t graduate from the grief. You graduate with it.
It’s Spring, people are talking about weddings, getting engaged, having babies and finding partners. I have none of that and no one knows if I ever will have those chances again. No one can say for sure that I won’t be a bachelor for the rest of my life. No one can say that there’s a guy out there that the universe plans for me to meet. What if Tin was it and the universe just plans for me to be alone for the rest of life. That’s a real possibility and it hurts.
Always just a brides-man never the groom, the fun uncle but never the dad, the guy that’s there if you need him but “out of sight” unfortunately feels like “out of mind”. It’s a constant struggle to feel happy for others and sad for myself at the same time – a bachelor of balancing being bereaved and begrudging. As they walk down the aisle, babies take first steps forward, couples buy their dream homes, I just keep seeing people walk away together without me. What happens when everyone is gone?
Does this degree mean I’m destined to just be that lonely old gay guy full of widowed wisdom – A Bachelor of Grief.
