Widow's Voice

Regrets.

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One of the most difficult feelings or experiences that I continue to have after Boris’s death is regret, and the “what ifs”. These, of course, come up when thinking about the nature of his death by suicide, but tonight, I am thinking a lot about the regrets of our life together. 

I regret so many of the arguments and the nagging. I regret not taking more trips together. I regret the rushing and the planning that I forced upon him. I regret being too rigid and close-minded. I wish I’d been a better partner to him. I wish I’d said “yes” more. I wish I’d asked more questions. These regrets weigh on me a lot. I know I have written about it before, mainly because it is a looming feeling, almost constantly.  

I think this is coming up right now because I feel particularly “stuck”. I turned 30 last year, in a pandemic, and I am currently living with my parents. I am here for financial reasons (I am in a Ph.D. program and living in Atlanta is expensive) but mostly, I am here to help with caregiving for my dad with Parkinson’s. I love being with my family and having the flexibility to help with his care, especially as his Parkinson’s dementia progresses. But, I can’t help but want the life that I thought was going to be mine at 30. I want to be in a little house with Boris. I want to plan vacations and watch TV together at night. I want to decorate rooms with him and argue over dinner. And, I can’t quite sort out if I want that kind of life in general or if I only want it if it is with him. 

These regrets and desires for something different in my life motivate me to want to take more chances and just live a fuller life. I want to travel and I want to learn and grow. I regret not living life more fully when Boris was here. I think the guilt of living a more spontaneous and open life after Boris’s death sometimes holds me back from that. But, I think he would want me to live. My own regrets and guilt pull me back, but deep down I know he would want me to do the things that feel fulfilling to me, even if they are things I never thought I’d do. If there is one thing I can learn from Boris’s life is that there is always more to learn and there is always more possibility for growth. I hope that I can break free from my guilt and regret and choose to live a fuller and richer life. I think that is what Boris would have wanted. I just wish he were here to live this kind of life with me.  

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.