Widow's Voice

Widowed Emotions

Eighty-sixed from Life

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This time buying feels different.  It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.

The wrongdoing being Mike’s death…  Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life.  It is forward motion.  It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death.  It is necessary and it is a good thing.  This move is about me.  It is my decision.  My choice.  My sale.  My purchase.  It is about my family and our future.  And, I should be excited about it.  And, I sort of am.  I am just not altogether overjoyed.  I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now.  The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.

I Miss the Early Days

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In a new episode of New Amsterdam, they briefly showed the characters (they all work in a hospital in New York) in the midst of COVID-19–the bruised faces, the tears, and the death. The episode begins in a “post-COVID” world, but they do not ignore the effects of it. One character is still on a […]

The Escape Room

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Part of my widowed journey is getting the opportunity to get away from home. Staying in the apartment that Clayton and I both lived has its benefits and its challenges. He hung up the art and organized the furniture. Everything here holds whispers of his style and view of interior design. I’m coming up on […]

Deer Tick Manor

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  Shortly after returning home from my recent road trip, I went grocery shopping.  While selecting a few Honey Crisp apples from a bin, I suddenly pictured Lee and me on a warm, fall day at the country orchard near our Indiana getaway where we enjoyed going to shop for seasonal fruits and vegetables. My […]

My Newest Math~

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I’m a bit of a fan (hugely so) of the Outlander books by Diana Gabaldon, as some of you know. The show and books absorbed me immediately, taking me back to my Scottish roots and filling my world with the Love story between the two characters, Jamie and Claire. The character/personality of the Scotsman, Jamie, […]

Why her? Why him? Why now?

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Main image by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash Medjool has a precious childhood friend – let’s call him Yves – who is still very much a presence in his life today. To say that Yves is spiritually aware, spiritually curious, even spiritually provocative, would be an understatement. I am not privy to much of their conversations […]

Moving…

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And, in the familiar setting where my old life played out I was able to grieve for all that I lost.  I let my loss seep into my bones as I walked down the familiar streets of our neighbourhood.  As I wandered through the aisles of our grocery store I allowed all the sadness his death caused to drip from me.  I drove around our town and tears streamed from my eyes, day after day, as I said goodbye to the future we never got to live.  It has been an excruciating 4.3 years, but I am better for allowing myself the time to properly say goodbye to my life here.  I am now finally at a point in my grief where I can be at peace with the past and I have accepted that the future will not be the one I anticipated living.  I can move now.  I am done with this place.  I have taken what I can from it and now there is nothing left here for me.

Sad Season

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It is the beginning of my “sad season”, as I call it. Boris’s birthday is March 10th and the anniversary of his death is April 7th. Things feel a bit different this year since we are still in a pandemic and we’ve been dealing with it for almost a year now. Even though things are […]

The Dentist is in the Details

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For many who are widowed and many who suffer extreme loss and grief, the start back to “normal” is a long and winding road. Even tasks that we consider “everyday automatics” can be pushed aside or delayed. Some days it’s hard to just get out of bed let alone brush your teeth. Each thing you […]

Hard Beliefs to Swallow

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One of the myriad books that’s been on my list forever is Gary Zukav’s 1989 book “The Seat of the Soul”. It’s been recommended to me by many people over the years, not least Oprah and Maya Angelou, as well as my “Grief Therapist” Tom Zuba. It finally made it into my Audible library and […]

Jealousy & Guilt

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Today, I feel jealous…and guilty for feeling that way. I don’t want to be jealous of other people’s lives, but I am. I want to only feel happiness for the people around me who are getting engaged, getting married, having children, or buying a home. But, the truth is, when I hear about it or […]