Somewhere in our second year of our travels, Chuck and I met friends for dinner in NJ, a state that had been our home for 2 decades. He served at McGuire AFB, both active duty and in civil service, following his retirement, and we raised our kids there. One of our friends asked us what […]
Widowed Emotions
A Wave of Fresh Green Grief Amidst the Snowy Whiteness
Yesterday was a gloriously sunny day, brilliant and bright and fresh and sparkling after the recent snowfalls. Medjool and I had already decided that we would head up into the Jura for a cross-country ski. He knows the region better than I do and so selected where we went. A place that was new-to-me for […]
Magic Tears
I wish we were neighbors. I would come over with my cup and while we talked I would casually stir my tears into my coffee. Maybe my tears are magical. Maybe somehow, by swallowing them, the bitterness of living my life without him would dissipate. But, we aren’t neighbors. And, my tears aren’t magic. So, […]
Are we ever really ready?
I love TV shows, movies, and books with widowed characters. I did not realize how many there were until I lost Boris. A few weeks ago I started watching The Unicorn. It is about a man who lost his wife to cancer. He has two daughters and close friends who are also main characters on […]
Worries and Whys
Growing up, I suffered from severe asthma, allergies, etc. It was common for me to take medication daily. I can recall the shear panic if my wheezing started and I couldn’t find my rescue inhaler. I couldn’t do what the “normal” kids did and I was bullied, left out and judged. As I got older, […]
Reverie~
I find myself lost in reverie frequently. Staring into the distance, seemingly. What I’m really doing is staring into the stillness of my heart, Into the stillness of memories long past. As I write this blog, my fingers trail off typing and it takes a few minutes to come back to the here and now, […]
Resurfacing
After months and months of nearly drowning in my own tears, I summoned the fight and fortitude needed to kicked up against rock bottom. I let myself feel the pain of my separation from Mike. I felt it to the depths of my bones. I endured the pain. I swallowed my loss when I was choking on it. I made myself breathed in life when I could not get air. I digested my grief when it nauseated me to the point that I had to hold my hair back as I threw up into the toilet. I persisted. I continued when I thought I could no longer live another second without him. I did all this like so many widowed people before me. I survived because I had no other choice. I am an ordinary woman who endured what requires superhuman strength. I am widowed strong.
Under This Widowed Weight
Throughout caring for Clayton before he died, I felt the weight of responsibilities. The weight of being a caregiver and the weight of working full time, the weight of making sure medications were dosed and delivered on time, the weight of his comfort and the weight of emotions. Heaviest of all for me, the weight […]
Shared Hugs~
His hugs. I felt them through my entire body. In our early days together, it was my hugs to him as he returned from deployment. We generally never had an opportunity for farewell hugs. Only words if he had time to call me from work and bid me a hasty goodbye. Quick I love you’s between us […]
By Heart…
This week’s writing will begin with part of the first blog I ever wrote and it will end with an update and my reflections on the three years that have past since. I wrote, “Who Am I ?” on December 11, 2017. Three years later, these words are still powerful and true…
Food Grief
I have a personal blog and I wrote about the topic of food and cooking in October 2019. I decided to revisit it and update it as some time has passed, but similar feelings remain. I follow several grief-related social media pages and participate in groups through Facebook and Instagram, etc. Through these accounts, I […]
The Upside Down
I have always had trouble when I’m told that there is no way out and no solution to things. Apparently, looking back at my writing, that fact holds true even in loss and grief. I didn’t realize at first but it explains my anger when I was hit with the regular “whys?” and the “what […]