Widow's Voice

Reverie~

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I find myself lost in reverie frequently.

Staring into the distance, seemingly.

What I’m really doing is staring into the stillness of my heart,

Into the stillness of memories long past.

As I write this blog, my fingers trail off typing and it takes a few minutes to come back to the here and now,

My mind wandering into the Universe where Chuck and I were together…

Clint Black sings in the background,

And I remember driving with Chuck, listening to the same tune as we adventured through the far reaches of the US, and meandered through the middle.

Chuck’s hand resting on my knee and my hand clasping his.

I’d like to say that I don’t ache for him any longer, these 7 years on,

But it would be a lie.

I do miss him still.

I always will.

It hasn’t necessarily softened…this longing for him.

It’s simply become a part of me, running through my veins, sometimes pounding more loudly in my ears…

the drum beat of my heart.

It doesn’t keep me from living life.

I’ve done all sorts of shit since his death on April 21, 2013.

I miss him, though.

I miss the lightness of being that was mine for all of our years together,

And I wonder if I’ll ever feel that lightness again.

I don’t know the answers to any of the questions that come with the death of someone we love.

I don’t know that there are any answers.

Though I’m certain no answer would rank as acceptable.

I don’t even know what the questions are any longer.

Missing Chuck isn’t about logic or conversation.

Missing Chuck is purely about my heart and my emotions.

I miss him.

I miss you, D~

Alison Miller

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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