Well I guess we should just talk about it. Having to even think about dating again after Clayton passed away completely sucks. Dating is hard enough as it is but adding on being widowed, gay and living in the south is a hot mess. There are like 3 gay guys here. Two of them are […]
Widowed Emotions
Lonely in Missing Him
Boris was outgoing, although introverted, and very friendly with everyone he met. His goofy personality and genuine care made him memorable and easy to be around. However, he didn’t have many really close friends. He was still close with some of his high school friends, but they’d grown apart with distance and life changes (one […]
Reel Therapy = Good Medicine
What is Reel Therapy? Gary Solomon’s popular book of the same name, published originally in 2001 and again in 2015, suggests that movies can be a therapeutic tool for our lives. A friend of mine gave me this book a long time ago and I pulled it out recently with an instinct that it might be […]
The Benefit of Bereavement
I’ve always thought through life on a grand scale – The excitement of positive possibilities. How magical it would be to have an amazing job, a beautiful home and grow old with a true love. I guess the problem with being a big dreamer, now that Clayton has passed away, is that with big dreams […]
Crying Feels Different Now
Lately I’ve Been Thinking About Tears . . . . . . feeling them stream down my face and having the sensation that my tears are somehow different now. Rather than tears, they feel like mountain streams with inadequate dams to hold them in place. The tears come without warning and they flow in a […]
Makeshift plan addendum
The blog below was written on September 24, 2018. I sure have come a long way since I wrote this blog three years ago. So much life has happened for me since this time. And, I am so very, very grateful for this. I didn’t give up. I believe life could be good again, and […]
What Do You See
All week I have had a new thought that I can’t shake so I guess I’ll ask but I know I might not get a direct answer yet. They say we are separated by a “veil” that is ever changing. I envision it’s like the whole world is covered in some strange cosmic widowed veil. […]
Everything but the Kitchen Sink – take 2
I originally posted this blog April 2019. But, it merits a repost. The topic is sexual bereavement and it is very real and it need to be discussed more candidly and more often.
As widowed people we do not often discuss how our sex lives die with them. But, the truth is that this is an enormous secondary loss.
Sexual bereavement is a thing. It is very real and it profoundly affects us as we live on without the one we love. Daily, we miss the intimacy of being a couple. And, nothing, not one thing can replace this. The daily nuances that exist between two lovers. Your unspoken language. The secret words you whispered to one another. The tone he reserved for just you. The dialect of love.
As surviving spouses we miss the stolen glances. The way his adoring eyes watched me prepare a meal. The winks he sent me across the room during a dinner party. Tenderly placing my hand on his leg as he drove us some place. Walking side by side and casually reaching for his familiar hand; and, then interlocking my fingers with the man I love. Their hands. Their kiss. That place on the small of my back that only he knew. The way he gently brushed the hair out of my eyes before his lips met mine. The way I fell into his chest as he pulled me to him. All of this. Every last thing. This is the stuff we ache for. This is the stuff that I quietly grieve.
The Normally Normals
It’s been a grief goal for me to return back to “normal”. I have put into place fail-safes to reestablish pattern, predictability and self-protection. That’s normal self-preservation. Now I am starting to feel more comfortable in my day-to-day. I have realized my new “normal” has also kept me from enjoying aspects of a “normal” life. […]
Yet Another Secondary Loss
Main image by Patty Brito on Unsplash This is my 100th post for Soaring Spirits. Which sounds more monumental than the 104th, due in a few weeks, which will mean that I have been writing here for two years. I know I have not missed one Tuesday. Discipline is good. Habits are good. Who would […]
Authentic Anger
I’m harder on myself more than people realize. There are times I haven’t honored my feelings because I just try to see the bright side of everything. I have a high tolerance for others but sometimes I look the other way more than I should. I have to remember to give myself grace during growth […]
Cry, Cry, Cry
It has been a while since I have cried. A really good, long cry. The last time I think was when I watched the Netflix movie Fatherhood. I sobbed during that one and then for a while after. Sometimes it feels so good to cry, doesn’t it? It is like it has been bottled up […]