Photos my own, Montenegro 2017 and 2021 I am just back from a week’s late summer holiday in Montenegro with Medjool. It should have been an “organised holiday”, with daily longish-distance swimming in the “fjords”, lakes, rivers and sea in and around Montenegro with SwimTrek. But Montenegro recently made it on to the UK’s Red […]
Widowed Emotions
Average Widow – Revisited
Nearly five years later, I *still* identify myself as a widow because that is what I am. I will always be Mike’s widow. It is what it is. But, I am so much more than this. And, really, I have always known that who I am is more than a dead man’s fiance, but the weight of grief prevented me from embracing myself and who I am without him for a long, long time. Now, finally, I can say with authority and certainty that I am more me than widow – if that makes sense. I am Staci. I continue to be only “average” at widowing, but like before, I don’t care. I was never planning on excelling at this gig anyhow because I am too busy rebuilding my life to bother becoming proficient at widowhood.
In-Flight Fear
I’m afraid of heights. I have been completely frozen on the top of a ladder. I stand back from windows in a tall building and the idea of skydiving is sheer terror to me. Strangely enough, I love roller coasters and I don’t mind flying. I think the security in being seated helps combat the […]
Confessions
Hi Babe, It’s been 166 days, 22 hours, 32 minutes and 16 seconds since you left. The clock ticks on as I write, rendering the time estimate incorrect seconds after I type it. Confession seems warranted since I sometimes cannot remember if I’ve showered— and apparently I made a tribute tile for you but I […]
Community and Accountability
Main image by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash When I took up swimming again for the first time, when I was about 23, it was after an approximatively 10-year hiatus. Until the age of 13, swimming (in a pool) was one of the three main sports I did, along with ice-skating and orienteering. I enjoyed all […]
Almost “Normal”
Most definitely, there was a time and place for curating thoughts of him like sacred memories I would press against my heart and attempt to memorize by feel. In the past, I spent hours tenderly thinking about Mike and reliving our life together in my mind. It was a necessary part of my grief; and, likewise, it is necessary that I have stopped this now.
Grief in the Grass
Six years ago, Clayton and I took a trip to visit his mother. We were still in Atlanta and she was living along the coast of southern Florida. We had left the city cement behind for a walk along the waves. What I hadn’t realized was the subtle but profound stop we took along the […]
Do I hate fall?
Here in Atlanta, it is starting to feel like fall. I am sure we will have more hot and humid days ahead because our weather is so tricky, but this week we’ve started to feel our first taste of low humidity and crisp air as the season changes. Since Boris died, I have noticed that […]
Traveling in the Land of Grief – Part Two
Images speak louder than words. The concentric layers of trees, in the gorgeous photo above, remind me of grief—its stages and the overall journey that begins when death arrives at our door. It speaks to me of spaces of rest along the journey and the familiar fog of being in an unknown land. Little […]
Grief Gaps
Love and loss are the great unifiers. Later in life the family seems to only get together for weddings and funerals. The most interesting part of my grief is how separated and alone I felt even though I was surrounded by love and support. I was kept separate from the rest of life by the […]
Inside Jokes.
I miss inside jokes. And little things that only Boris would “get”. I was watching a Netflix movie several months ago, Desperados, and one of the main characters (a widower) says something about missing the “dinner party glance” with his late wife. That connection where you just give each other a “look” because you both […]
Traveling in the Land of Grief
One hundred and fifty two days ago my beloved husband transitioned into death. In that time I have learned that the reality of death and grief is something that cannot be understood unless you are in it. I thought I knew something of it, having experienced other loved ones passing. I was wrong. The photo […]