Widow's Voice

Traveling in the Land of Grief – Part Two

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Image courtesy of Jasper Graetsch via unsplash.com

Images speak louder than words.

The concentric layers of trees, in the gorgeous photo above, remind me of grief—its stages and the overall journey that begins when death arrives at our door. It speaks to me of spaces of rest along the journey and the familiar fog of being in an unknown land.

Little by little, I am gaining a lay of the land of grief. In this post, and the post from last week, I am exploring two versions of the stages of grief.

To those whose interest lies in the tools of personal growth, the Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are as familiar as the alphabet. Before becoming a widow, I judged them complete. When I found myself in profound grief after the death my beloved, they came up lacking.

What I did not know about Kübler-Ross’s stages is that they were intended for the dying person, not the people left behind. The Five Stages of Grief chronicle the process of a person who is journeying through terminal illness toward death; a very different place from widowhood.

In part one, I explored the Five Stages of Grief from a personal perspective. Today we’ll look at Kate O’Neill’s version, Other Ways to Think and Feel About Loss, shared through the lens of my personal  experience, as before.

If the brief summary below piques your interest, I encourage you to get Kate’s book, which I’ve featured at the end of this post.

OTHER STAGES OF GRIEF

What I submit are some additional aspects of grief that I don’t think we recognize socially as much as we could and maybe should, and which you may or may not experience yourself after a profound loss. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning

 

Shock (as Opposed to Denial)

The first in Kate’s list, Shock, instantly resonated in my body. THAT is what I am experiencing. That is what makes me foggy about “how I am feeling.” Beginning immediately after Dan’s passing, I struggled to answer the question, “How are you?”  Finding a word that was accurate proved difficult. I leaned on phrases like, “Well, it’s different every day” or “Today has been a good day.” With certain people, in the right moment, I would elaborate, but there were many moments when that was not an option.
The word “shock” communicates the likelihood that you are present in the moment, but overwhelmed by everything you know has changed…your processing system is overloaded. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
Yes, my processing system was, and continues to be, overloaded. This explains so much.

Overwhelm and Leaning on Those Around You

The recurring theme of the initial stages seems to be “overwhelmed.” There is so much that immediately needs doing and processing once someone dies, that without the help of friends or family who will truly step up and assist, that burden will add tremendously to the difficulty of dealing with the reality at hand.” ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
When answering the “How are you?” question in the presence of a good listener, “overwhelmed” was the word that showed up most often. The overwhelm at so many things to do; the emotional overwhelm of sudden tears in random moments; feeling overwhelmed by Dan’s absence in so.many.moments of my daily life.

Gratitude

In my journey of grief Kate’s words about gratitude speak to my reality:
Feeling grateful was somehow an easy outlet for my sadness and I felt it constantly. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
Image courtesy of Nathan Dumlao via unsplash.com

After thirty one years of serious health threats, I ended up sharing life with Dan for 51 years and nine months. I never dreamed that could be possible. After struggling to meet Dan’s needs through the medical clinic that served him, I could not imagine how essential the hospice system became to us in providing for his needs. After watching his body fight its way through violent coughing, miserable sleeplessness, falling, and mood swings, he passed away peacefully in the end.

In the last three months of Dan’s life, I did not recognize gratitude as an outlet for my sadness, but in retrospect, I see that it was. Having all seven of our children with us, once again being a family of nine in one home, it was easy to feel gratitude since our children represent our love personified. While caring for him we cared for each other and the gift we received was gratitude.

Letting the Finality Sink In

Referring to the difference between sudden death compared to death from lingering illness, Kate says:
It’s going to take time in either case to grasp the impact of the loss; it’s just that sometimes that time happens partially before the actual death takes place, and sometimes it all can only begin after. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
Letting the finality of death sink in brings tears to my eyes each time I think of it. But as Vision says,

What is grief if not love persisting?

The Vision, WandaVision sitcom, Marvel/Disney+
Some would say that my intention to continue my relationship with Dan “long distance” is classic denial. Perhaps. Faith tells me I will see him again, and my experience with others who have passed tells me that I will get glimpses of him now and again, and I do.
But . . .
That doesn’t help much when I miss his arms around me.
It doesn’t help when I miss his gentle teasing that made me laugh every.single.time.
It doesn’t help when his presence is missing in our family gatherings.
But then again, what is grief if not love persisting?

Rebuilding and Trying It Out

….when people experience devastating loss, they often get a new perspective on life and a new sense of what matters. It seems like a terrible thing to waste by not using that perspective to assess what you want to (or perhaps need to) keep constant from your old life, what you might allow yourself to abandon, and what you want to recreate in a new way. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
Image courtesy of Anna Dudkova via unsplash.com
My body was my guide in deciding when to go back to work. When I lost my husband I lost my confidence for a while. Thinking about going back to work left me feeling ill. I was encouraged to take a leave and I did. Much of my work is connected with Facebook, and I can count on one hand how often I went there. It made me dizzy thinking about it. Eventually my pocket book needs jived with my confidence and I stepped back in. Trying it out, one client at a time, really helped. Allowing myself to take it slow made all the difference.
I’m still trying on this new life, rebuilding my days, nights, and weekends and doing my best to honor Dan as I continue in the life we built together. Five months past his leaving, all I can say is that I will keep trying.

Seeking Joy and Laughter

Eventually you’ll likely feel the pull towards chances to enjoy life again and have more happy moments. It’s a good instinct. ~ Katy O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning

Joy and Laughter = a cute yellow lab named Indy, who arrived as a gift when she was 11-weeks old. She came to me just three months after Dan passed bringing joy, laughter, and a heck of a lot of good hard work, aka, puppy training.

Indy makes me laugh when she raises her eyebrows and cocks her head when I talk to her, or when she leaps in the air, twirling, with ears flying above her head. It brings me joy to watch her run toward me at full speed when I whistle at the back door. Her companionship comforts me; she follows me everywhere and lays on my feet as I work on the computer. Indy is my daily dose of joy and laughter.

Seeking and Creating Meaning in Life

In the longest stage after loss — the rest of your life — the opportunity exists for meaningful interactions, meaningful direction in life, and meaning at every level . . . It’s a profound opportunity to live a more full life and in doing so, to also honor your lost loved one. ~ Kate O’Neill, Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning
As we continue with our life after the death of our spouse or partner, we are invited to begin again.
First endings.
Then beginnings?
Some things I am still wondering about:
  • How long is the road of grief?
  • Is it possible find closure in the ending of a life in order to begin again?
  • If it is true that grief varies from person to person, then will our grief maps vary greatly?
  • Does the experience of the ending of the life we knew before get easier with time?

Before we can explore the questions about finding closure, or beginning again, we first have to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and learn to live without our beloved.

We end as we began, visiting one or both versions of the stages of grief as needed, trying to find our way through the grief that surrounds us.

One thing I know for sure: it helps to hold on to each other along the way.

 

Be well, fellow journeyer.

 
The ideas shared here are from:
Surviving Death: What Loss Taught Me About Love, Joy, and Meaning, by Kate O’Neill (pp: 4-8)

About Kathie Neff

Kathie Neff was widowed on April 15, 2021. She and her beloved husband, Dan, were high school sweethearts and enjoyed dancing and riding horses together. They lived in gratitude, hope and forgiveness for 50 years and nine months when Dan passed quietly late at night, surrounded by their seven children who, with Kathie, were caring for him in their family home.

Dan and Kathie have been a part of Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International since its inception, as members of Michele Neff Hernandez’s cadre of helpers from the Neff family.

Kathie believes strongly in the strength and bond that is the gift of community and brings a heart of love for all who have been affected by death and dying.

Long live love. XO