It’s never easy to say goodbye… whether 5 months, 5 years, or 15 years. All I can look forward to is knowing that soon she’ll be able to peacefully rest finally, without confusion, or fear. Just peace.
Widowed Milestones
Grief’s Rewinding
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
Living in an Asteroid Field
I have so much fear of becoming widowed again. Some days, that fear is louder than others… like anticipating my own personal asteroid out there that is going to crash into me on some unknown date in the future, creating a private apocalypse all over again.
All Things Spiral~
I’ve always thought of grief as a spiral. Possibly because my daughter, Rachael-Grace was a hoop dancer for many years. The big kind of hoop, not the little hula hoop so many of us remember from our youth. Rachael-Grace used a hoop she made herself, and she taught herself how to dance within it, spinning […]
Our Third Wedding Anniversary…
When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really. Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void. Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing. I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be. So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad. Beyond sad really. It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”. I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.
The Gates of Grief
I realize I have gotten to a point where I go through my week, head down and pushing things back to keep grief at bay. The weekend hits and my first day is full of errands and obligations but my second day is dedicated to allowing the gates of grief to open when I write […]
The Keeper of the Lighthouse
Grief’s gaze. I knew it as soon as I got it this week. It’s that look you get from someone who has just suffered a new great loss. It conveys so much with so little. It’s so very different from the look they give to others all around them. Yeah it’s quite a powerful look […]
Lunchtime Live
For eleven weeks, before restrictions were lifted and we were still supposed to be sheltered in place here in Southern California, I held a daily 30-minute live broadcast on Facebook. Each day, I chose a topic that meant something to me—and that I thought might resonate with others. These daily broadcasts were meant to thoughtfully engage and help connect people in the time of CoVID.
Embracing the Detours
This year has meant a lot of detours for many. For all of us who are widowed, the metaphor of a detour is a bold one… the idea of the road being closed ahead and suddenly we are to choose a new direction…
Right Down to the Weather
Main Photo by Marc Wieland on Unsplash So there we have it. Here we are again. Time has rolled around. As it is wont to do. Dates might not have, but the sense, the weight of that Sunday night 52 weeks ago, most definitely has. A hot day in our part of the world with […]
When Negativity Takes Over
What happened instead is that an opening was made, for that voice to come back and haunt me. That voice that tells me I am cursed in some way from ever having those milestone, big, beautiful moments in my life.
Eat the Cake Anyway!
I did NOT cancel the Bed & Breakfast that was supposed to be for our wedding night. I did NOT cancel the wedding cake either. I am celebrating my relationship on this day no matter what – and that means CAKE dammit.