I am writing this not just because I have not written for a few weeks. I am also writing it as a sort of apology.
These last few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As a solo parent, entrepreneur and widower, sometimes I feel like my “lives” clash, and managing them is messy.
In general, I am doing reasonably well. In my business, I launched a program designed to help men (widowers especially) rediscover their purpose in life (post loss).
As a widower, I have been managing to ride the grief waves a little more confidently. Riding them with an acceptance that I simply have to allow for them to wash over me.
My relationships, unfortunately, have not been doing so well. Although they are all adults, I have found my children to continue to be a challenge to manage as a solo parent. And now, my new person and I are splitting up. Not because I don’t love her, but the whole idea of being in a committed relationship with another person right now is hard for me.
Perhaps we jumped in to a serious, committed relationship too quickly and I wasn’t quite “ready” yet, or maybe it was something else. All I know is that right now I need time to keep doing work on myself. I need to get back to being 100% comfortable in my own skin.
In a way, this is an apology not just to you but to me as well. I am apologizing to myself for beating myself up about not doing these posts. Widowhood is complicated. It’s messy. It’s challenging.
My life feels as if it has been going a million miles an hour forward, but my grief is still holding me back from truly launching into the stratosphere. As a man, a parent, a small business owner, writer and widower, I feel as if I am trying to “be” too many things at once. But have no choice being them all.
Is it time to explore who I am “being” in this life? I think so.
So, I am going back to doing that hard, deep diving into my heart and soul to try and figure out what it is I truly want. Not only am I having to end something that could well have been a really great thing (the relationship), but also I have started wondering if other things have to go, too.
I am exploring whether my writing is something I want to continue as well. While I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings, along with my journey, I feel my writing has become a little self-indulgent and maybe not so helpful to others. The whole reason I started to write in the first place was to help others.
If these musings are at all helpful, then I will continue them. Sometimes, I am not sure if they are. It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing, it is simply a matter of ensuring that my readers are fulfilled.
Fulfillment in our lives is difficult to achieve. If we could simply choose to just be happy, contented and fulfilled all the time, then of course we all would be. But grief and life have a habit of “getting in the way,” right?
Like John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” That has been me for these last few weeks and months. I have been “living life,” but I have also been making plans.
And now I am at a crossroads. Do I continue what I have been doing, or go through another metamorphosis?
If you, my dear readers, find these posts of any value, then please let me know. I want my writing to go some way toward fulfilling a need to connect my experience with yours.
It’s impossible for me to do this without feedback. If you’re reading my posts, if you enjoy hearing about my experience, as a widower, father, entrepreneur and writer, then please let me know your thoughts.
Blogs are pretty self indulgent for many people. I don’t want to be that person. If I help you with your journey by relating what is happening along my own path (a difficult one to navigate, to say the least), then I will continue to write.
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts…