It seems like there is always something in grief you are experiencing for the first time. After seven years as a widow, I would have thought that I had already gone through almost every “first”. This week though, I discovered another first I had yet to go through, and it’s had my emotions all over the place. Tomorrow, my new partner Mike…
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The Wings of the Widowed
I can easily say that I do not reach out to Tin’s mother and family as much as I should. I want to speak with them but it’s hard for me and I feel like I am the immediate reminder, that I trigger all of the grief for them. These widowed weights on my shoulders press down hard at times. It’s a double-edged burden. I want to speak with them but…
Birthdays
Birthdays, after loss, are emotional, difficult, challenging, complicated, heavy, layered events. His birthday. My birthday. Each year they come around, there is an inner sadness feeling that is simply there, the same way that air exists in the universe. It is there, and so I carry it. Last night I spent my birthday having dinner with a table…
A Scary Reality
Today I went to go see my doctor about an issue I am dealing with. While at the doctor’s office, they noticed my heart rate was 125 in resting mode. They checked me 20 minutes later, and it was still beating the same. My doctor told me that she will have to monitor my heart and determine what course of action she will take. This can include…
This Confusing Afterlife~
It’s been 6 years and 5 months since Chuck died. I kind of feel like I need to put that identifier in so that anyone who reads this will have a gauge. Except that those newly living this widowed life might look at the time since and then read this blog and shudder. Or shrink back in dismay. Because….really? The confusion lasts that long? And I…
Extreme Self-Care
If I excel at anything(And I deliberately use the word “excel”)It is that I practise Extreme Self-CareExtremeSelfCareI am proud of my skill and expertiseHaughty, maybe even arrogantFor without it I too would surely have diedAnd what use is yet another Premature death?None whatsoever Here are some of my pet phrasesAnd if not daily, then Weekly…
Fan Girl of Love
Dating is not something that I decided to take on lightly. This November, Mike will have been dead for three years. Not that this really matters in terms of dating. Or does it? It doesn’t. But, the fact that I mentioned it means that to me it is significant in some way. I wish I could explain this more sufficiently, but I can’t. I…
Morbid Advantage
Today is Sarah’s birthday. Not Megan’s, not Drew’s. It’s not Mother or Father’s day, or an anniversary. It’s a day where the focus is squarely on her, and not shared with those who are no longer here. Or, at least it’s not supposed to be. The rub of it is that I’m a widower. Sarah’s a widow. Damn near every experience…
Ostracized Honesty
It’s time I dive into a topic that is always at the heart of gay men dating – HIV/AIDS. Growing up I watched as the disease came forth, took lives and drove the world to treat the LGBTQ+ community worse than ever. There was fear of being accused and harmed and there was (and still is) fear of contracting the disease. From my biology background,…
A Piece of You
I felt my heart stop when your heart stopped beating I felt the air in my lungs leave my body, when you took your last breath I felt the world crumbling down on my chest, with every shock wave that went through yours I was an empty vessel walking above ground, while yours lays down in the soil empty as well I cried storms of sorrow, while rain…
What You May Not Know About Grief
What you don’t know is thatPeople die because of GriefPeople die because of a Broken HeartPeople Die by Suicide Because their Grief is Too Much to BearI had a call just last night from the Now-orphaned-daughter of a friendA widowWhose husband was my friend and colleague He had helped Mike get to Chemo treatments on occasion when I just couldn’t…
Wreckage
Part of me died with him. And, surprisingly, a big part of me survived his death. This part of me is fighting to live forward. Since early on, I have chosen to focus on the living part of me. The part of me that was not buried with Mike. Sure, absolutely, I miss the person I used to be, but the life in which that woman existed died with…