Today I went to go see my doctor about an issue I am dealing with. While at the doctor’s office, they noticed my heart rate was 125 in resting mode. They checked me 20 minutes later, and it was still beating the same. My doctor told me that she will have to monitor my heart and determine what course of action she will take. This can include getting on heart medication at the age of 32. She said if this route is taken they would need to be very careful how they would slow my heart down since I suffer from low blood pressure.
As I walked out of the office and into my car, a scary reality set in. I wanted to call my husband and my father, to tell them the news and share how scared I was. But I couldn’t call them. They are not physically here anymore. They would normally offer a sense of protection and words of comfort in which I needed at that moment. So, I set in my car and cried. As I sat there, I saw my little girl through the rear mirror, just playing in her car seat not knowing how scared her mama was.
I am not scared of dying, I am scared of leaving my daughter alone in this world without a parent. I try so hard every day to do the best that I can with what I have, and with what I was left. As a widow, it’s a fight and a struggle every day to live well. I’ll continue to get up each day as long as I have air in my lungs and a beating heart.
I hear people say all the time, “you have your whole life ahead of you”, or “you are too young to be dealing with something like that.” As humans, we strive to live a long life. But the reality of it is, is that death doesn’t discriminate against age, gender, or race. The scary reality is, that we have a misconception of the time we are “supposed to die”. Therefore, it is important to treasure each moment as much as you can, take a minute and breathe, and be grateful that you are still alive today.