Every morning, I wake in an empty bed. I know. Lots of single people wake up in an empty bed every morning. But I am not single by choice. Still, waking up alone is somewhat of a choice, because there could always be someone else in my bed; but it is nonetheless a choice (regardless if it’s not one I have not made deliberately). Every night, I lay down to sleep and think about Suzanne. And I still miss her, terribly.
Blog
Our Corona~
…Welcome to the head spinning shock, disbelief, financial hurricane, numbness while feeling all the feels, terror, anxiety, fear, disorientation, discombobulation, loneliness, and generalized 100% uncertainty about the future, and every other emotion that we who are widowed experienced upon the death of our person and have lived in whatever time since their death.
Don’t Get Me Wrong, But…
Art of Julia and her BFF – by Julia, 2019 First day of Spring. At least in my rolodex of dates. The Equinox. More light than dark each day in the northern hemisphere. Spring. One of my four favourite seasons. Freshness. Colours. Sounds. Scents. Beauty splashing all around. The Alps in the distance clearer than […]
Having All Your Birthdays In One Day – Version 2020
This year, I planned to be in Hawaii during Mike’s birthday; but COVID-19 travel advisories lead me to cancel my trip. The events that are unfolding around the world have reinforced what grief has already taught me – nothing is in our control. Nothing in life is constant.
The only thing certain in our lives is change. Mike’s death has taught me to accept that life is messy and unpredictable; and in this way I am somewhat mentally and emotionally ready to handle the current crisis. I am used to isolation and living with a sense of uncertainty because I have lived this way since the day he died. Sadly, all of this feels very familiar to me. *Sigh.
Finding Grief in the Garbage
This is all very strange. The world has come to a slow crawl with this corona virus and it’s a bit disorienting. I’ve had some tough times in life but I choose to focus on the positive outcomes through adversity…. Let’s all find gratitude in the garbage. I am grateful for an amazingly supportive management […]
Anxiety
Anxiety always seemed to provide a convenient excuse to not get involved or do something. It was never a problem when we had fun things to do… But something serious? That was another story. One or all of them was always getting anxious when something serious was taking place…
In all my life (I’m inching closer to 52 years old now), I had never experienced anxiety. In fact, I never really felt like I had any mental health issues. That was until 2019.
Love in the Time of…
In these crazy apoplectic and apocalyptical times that feel awfully like a Stephen King novel…or at least as I’ve heard his books described since I’ve never read one…
I think hard about what power I have.
I think about where I can make a difference with the power that I have.
The Courage Required to Look Grief in the Face
Photo by our very own Sarah Treanor (streanor.com) I have just come back from a fascinating two-day workshop on Transformative Facilitation. It’s about enabling, engendering, indeed even provoking moments of deep insight and reflection that can lead to fundamental change in how a person sees themselves and the world around them, leading to different, more […]
Safe
I miss him all the time, but right now with all the uncertainty in the world I feel even more alone because of his absence. The truth is, Mike would have loved being quarantined with me. And, I would have liked it too. Like always, we would have made the best of it together. The other day, as I wandered aimlessly through the grocery store, I wished Mike was there with me. He’d have made me laugh. He’d even have made shopping during the Coronavirus “fun” because he’d be saying all sorts of goofy things to me as we walked through the dishevelled aisles.
Gravely Grateful
“I wished he was dead!” she said. “I honestly wished he was dead!” she said again with deep conviction. The words felt like bullets. I gasped, put my hand on my heart and put my head down. A couple was speaking on stage at an event, sharing their journey through his substance abuse and how […]
Corona WHAT?
So, the past few days have proven to be extremely strange, stressful, daunting, and very difficult to cope with for most of us, Im quite sure. There are so many unknowns with this virus strain, and for now, the world seems to be on a temporary lock-down of sorts, with schools and large events and […]
In Sickness and In Health
Over the 19-months since she died, I have thought a lot about the vows we took. It was not easy, but I stuck by them as did many of the widows and widowers I have met in the time since I became one.
I took my vows seriously. Especially, the “in sickness and in health. Til death do us part” bit. All of us who have been widowed likely did the same.
For me, it is hard to remember times when she wasn’t sick–or at least had not already been sick. We used to joke about how all I wanted was to have a simple life, but wanted to drive a really nice car. Suzanne would always say, “Well, you always wanted to drive a Ferrari. You never realized you married one…”