Widow's Voice

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In Her Own Words

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Two years ago, today, my wife wrote this. I just can’t write anything more…

Since I’m finally feeling vaguely human for the first time in almost a month, I thought I would take the opportunity to say a huge “thank you” to all family, friends, friends of friends and people who barely know me, who have rallied to support us over the last few difficult weeks.  Everything happened so quickly and aggressively that I had to accept that chemo, narcotics and goodness knows how many different antibiotics, anti-nausea and anti-anxiety drugs were a necessity to try to gain some control over what seemed like a runaway train.

Wrapping Loss in Love

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Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash I spend a lot of my time reading about death, dying, and grieving, participating in webinars and holding space sessions with grief experts, people who’ve developed wise perspective on what it is to love, to lose, and to continue living. Apart from two moments since Mike’s death, I have […]

The Evolution of Grief part 1 (of many)

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Now, at 3.8 years, my grief is not just about Mike.  It’s not that I don’t miss him now, I do.  I miss him endlessly.  I say “I miss you Mike” many, many times each day.  But, now the uncertainty surrounding my future is what really gets to me.  My focus is on me and not simply surviving his death.  I have done this. I have survived Mike dying.  And, now, I am attempting to thrive in the life I am slowly and meticulously recreating from scratch without a recipe to follow.   Like all widowed people, I am rebuilding my life and discovering my new self-identity and this is a long and tedious process.   But, this process is necessary.  It is part of the evolution of grief.  Eventually, grief becomes ours –  for ourselves.  It’s not about my dead spouse anymore… it’s about me.  I am the one who is still living.  And, you are too.

When Covid Strikes

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Hello Everyone. This may be one of the longest blog posts Ive ever written in here. If you make it to the end, congratulations, and also thank you for reading. Im hoping that by sharing some of the specifics of our story, others can know a bit more about this mystery covid virus, and maybe […]

From “A Gentleman in Moscow”

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At the behest of my new partner, I have started to read fiction again. The second of her recommendations is a book called “A Gentleman in Moscow.”

I am currently reading and enjoying it. Set in post revolutionary Russia, with lots of flashbacks to an earlier, more gilded age, the book is the story of a singular man—a count—who is placed under house arrest.

You Are Alive. You Are Whole.

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Anyone else reading the Outlander series? Watching it on Starz? If you haven’t, do yourself a favor. Time travel. Scotland. Relationships. Love. Passion. Trauma. Strength. Philosophy. And so much more. I’ve always been a romantic. Always. And I always will be. It’s part of who I am, and a part of me that I cherish. […]

Post Mortem – a year on

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This past week we have been honouring and commemorating Julia. (And Mike. And Ed. And Don. Of course). Like we do every day. Of course. But particularly Julia this week. The first “deathiversary”. The first anniversary post mortem. I don’t really know why the one-year anniversary feels like such a rite of passage. It’s not […]

*Sigh

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I’m tired.  Life without Mike is not easy.  I miss him and I feel like I do not really belong in this world without him.  This is an incredibly difficult way to exist.  I desperately yearn to feel content again.  *Sigh.  I have felt displaced for so long now that I am starting to wonder […]

Trying to Fake the 4th

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Happy 4th of July everyone. I hope it can be the best you can make it! I’m trying over here but I’m not very successful. Today would have been Tin and my 6th year anniversary. Three years ago I celebrated the last 4th of July with Clayton. We were up in Massachusetts for my father’s […]