Happy 4th of July everyone. I hope it can be the best you can make it! I’m trying over here but I’m not very successful. Today would have been Tin and my 6th year anniversary. Three years ago I celebrated the last 4th of July with Clayton. We were up in Massachusetts for my father’s funeral. It was a difficult time but I was surrounded by family and friends. This year is entirely different.
Sitting here alone on my porch typing grief onto the screen as I see family’s heading to events and smell a neighborhood of grills. Somewhere a dad is asking everyone at the cookout if they want a burger or a dog. Somewhere a husband just brought his husband a new beer and hug. It really is the little things that you miss more than anything when they are gone. I miss them. Where did it all go?
So here I find myself inside another holiday hurricane. I know I’m allowed these days and these feelings. I know later today will probably be easier and tomorrow is new and full of possibilities. I have to be honest. Having days like this really upset me for two reasons. Obviously losing Tin and my dad but it’s the other reason that I struggle with managing. Now that I understand deep loss and how short life really is, I get angry that I’m possibly wasting another day and not cherishing it for all it can be. I know Tin and my dad would not want that for me but I also know that it’s ok to have these days. I’m learning to hold space for all those competing emotions and to not judge myself so harshly for just stopping to breathe.
I do so well until I hear those fireworks. Clayton would stop everything to watch and now the sound of them just stops my heart. A holiday for celebrating our freedoms but I never wanted to be free from him. I have hope that someday I’ll find the one that will make me smile at fireworks again…