Widow's Voice

Finding Grief in the Garbage

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This is all very strange. The world has come to a slow crawl with this corona virus and it’s a bit disorienting. I’ve had some tough times in life but I choose to focus on the positive outcomes through adversity….

Let’s all find gratitude in the garbage.

I am grateful for an amazingly supportive management team at my job.

I am grateful that I am staying home more. Since Tin passed away (only and almost 2 yrs ago) I haven’t taken enough time to sit, reflect and hold space for myself like I have this weekend. I was widow worried that my lonely was coming to get me. Surprisingly enough, this has given me time to realize it’s ok to slow down. I don’t have to keep busy to keep the grief at bay. I have been worried that relaxing would turn into depression but I’m finding it’s actually the opposite.

I am grateful that (in this social distancing) we are all actually slowing down together and connecting with one another by phone and video chat. We are actually socializing more in many ways. I have been on long phone calls with friends I haven’t actually spoken with in years. Funny how I feel less lonely now during a pandemic. Strange how the fates unfold.

I am grateful that the planet is getting a break from the wear and tear of daily human life. Of course I wish for everyone to be healthy and safe but I’m trying to see positivity in all this. The earth seems to be cleansing and healing a bit. Once all of this is over, maybe we should consider giving the planet a yearly vacation from the people.

If you don’t find gratitude in the garbage than you’re always looking at a life as a pile of trash. It’s hard but placing perspective on perception can take you to better places…

Stay Safe my Widowed Family

 

 

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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