So, the past few days have proven to be extremely strange, stressful, daunting, and very difficult to cope with for most of us, Im quite sure. There are so many unknowns with this virus strain, and for now, the world seems to be on a temporary lock-down of sorts, with schools and large events and conferences (including Camp Widow) and other things being postponed, altered, or canceled altogether. And although it is for the common good that we make these changes to help slow down the spread of this virus, it’s still an incredibly fragile time for those of us who must navigate our way through this without our person standing beside us.
For myself, I was (and still am) always the panicky one, while my Don, an Air Force veteran and EMS by trade, was always very calming and reassuring in times of crisis. He was also a great natural teacher, keeping me informed of events in a way that kept me feeling safe, aware, and breathing easy. I always felt like everything would eventually be okay as long as he was helping me to get through it.
This current crisis feels very weird for me. Not only is Don not here because he’s , ya know, dead …. but also my boyfriend is not here either as he is away currently for the next week or so, and our contact is very limited. (its not for me to say in this forum where he is, as that is a private thing for him) We also move into our apartment on Sunday, and I will be doing the moving alone, with some help from my brother and family, but without my boyfriend / new roommate. I was supposed to be going to Tampa for Camp Widow, which would have helped me to focus on something other than the fact that my guy isnt in our new place with me yet, but now it’s been canceled / moved to a virtual version of the event, which leaves me home with plenty of time to obsess over all the things that could go wrong. Im scared for my boyfriend who has diabetes and a compromised immune system. Im scared for my dad for the same reasons. Im scared for all my many friends who work in the theater, or as teachers, or other forms of the arts, who will be out of work with the closing of Broadway and other events, leaving them unemployed and vulnerable. Im scared for myself, because I already make very little income, and with this happening, life is going to get hard for awhile. I know its the right thing to cancel all these events, to quarantine people who are sick, and to make large events minimal. But that doesnt make it any less difficult or sad or isolating.
This is going to be a rough time, no matter what happens, and the complex yet simple truth is, I miss my very much alive boyfriend, and I miss my dead husband. I wish I could talk to both of them, or hell, at least ONE of them! Im feeling on edge and uneasy, and uncertain of how this will all play out. For now, Im just going to lie here with my kitty Sammy, and hope that he doesnt have coronavirus, because I really need his cuddles and purrs at this time.
Stay safe everyone. Be well.
