Twirling down a long hallway, Softly lit with shimmering lanterns. Spinning from side to side, one door here, Another, there. Fingers gliding gracefully, and with longing Over memories and emotions. The past rising up, bowing its’ head in homage, Flower blossoms of the past carpeting wide planked floors… Sprinkling colors over me…garden spectrums of days […]
Blog
Dying to Live or Living to Die?
Photo by Juliana Malta on Unsplash This is my 53rd piece for Soaring Spirits which means I have been writing for a year. My gentlest year in five years. I wanted so much to be able to write that there had not been another death in my close entourage, by which I mean, the death […]
Empty Space
There is a giant void that lives in my chest. This isn’t a real thing; but, nonetheless, there seems to be a huge, heavy, invisible emptiness seems to take up all the room in my lungs. It feels like there is not enough space for air inside me. For the last 3.9 years my breath feels shallow. And, really, so does my life.
I am tired of being sad.
I am emotionally exhausted because I feel everything so deeply; and, also I feel nothing at the same time.
I am not sure which is worse.
Since Mike died, I feel every thing in color, but I am living in grey. I know that it is a tragedy to live like this, but I do not know how to change it. I just don’t feel joy anymore. Yes, I have fleeting moments of happiness; but nothing, not one damn thing has been lasting. I just can’t seem to find a way to remain tethered in the present moment long enough to experience genuine joy. I wonder if I will ever be capable of this again.
New Goodbyes
It’s never easy to say goodbye… whether 5 months, 5 years, or 15 years. All I can look forward to is knowing that soon she’ll be able to peacefully rest finally, without confusion, or fear. Just peace.
Grief’s Rewinding
It has been 866 days since Clayton past away, 867 days since I said “I love you” and kissed him on the forehead for the last time. Those first few days after he died felt like years. Every minute was the first of that minute without him. Every day was the first Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday […]
Turning Around
My boyfriend Nick has a very good friend, perhaps a best friend, named Todd. Todd had a battle with cancer, and the last few months of that battle were unfortunately during covid, so he was living in a nursing home type place, no visitors allowed, no outside gifts or food allowed, all of that. Heartbreaking. […]
Exhaling
The reason I chose to write about breathing, and specifically exhaling, is because it is something that we (humans) can take complete control of using our conscious mind. But, we also never have to think about breathing because our unconscious mind manages to keep us doing it whether we notice or not.
Ausgespielt~
I just found the word you see in the title, as I searched for words to describe why I ought not be writing a blog this week. It’s German, and means done for. Done in. Over it. Spent. Overwhelmed. Wiped out. Fatigued. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Okay…I added those last words myself. Also, I ought not […]
Love Threading Through My Week
Today’s – no – this week’s – topic is Love. As I sit and reflect on what to write about, as with last week, there seems to be lots of different topics. All interesting at some level, but not “enough” to make a blog post out of. So my next question is, “what connects them?” […]
Open Arms
For me, my “grief work” is not so much about escaping grief (I know that is not possible); but, rather, it is about intentionally striving to reenter life. I am a Lover of Life. Each week I write to you, I am not writing about grief per sae. Nope. I am writing to you about LIFE. As a writer, I am encouraging you to live your best life. And, sure I know that it is easier said than done, but for me it is not optional because the alternative is far too bleak.
For three years, I steeped myself in my own grief. I became one with my grief; and, now, with nearly four years practice as Mike’s widow, I do not carry my grief in my arms anymore. My grief does not completely over take me any longer. My grief is still there, but it is not visible now. And, I assure you that this is big progress. I worked hard to get to this place.
Living in an Asteroid Field
I have so much fear of becoming widowed again. Some days, that fear is louder than others… like anticipating my own personal asteroid out there that is going to crash into me on some unknown date in the future, creating a private apocalypse all over again.
Beautiful Failures
A part of being widowed is that you are forced to remember all of the relationships that didn’t work out. That sting when your first crush doesn’t like you back. That feeling life is over forever when the big high school sweetheart breakup happens. College brought a whole new world. I was getting more and […]