I have complicated feelings about the Afterlife. I grew up in a Christian and relatively conservative family and I used to have confidence in my beliefs: when you die, you go to Heaven or Hell. It’s that simple. Then, I got older and started to question the existence of Hell. After that, I began to question the whole Heaven thing too. Now, the only thing I am confident in is that we go somewhere and life doesn’t just end when our bodies die.
One guess I have is that our energy expands and enters another dimension or realm that the human brain cannot see or comprehend. I feel like maybe I cannot understand it because the human brain just is not capable of it.
When I think about “where” Boris is now, I know he is with me somehow. There have been moments since he died where I felt his presence. I attended a concert about a month after he died. I bought the tickets for him for his birthday. I felt him there. When I spread some of his ashes in Hong Kong the fall after he died, I felt him there too. Sometimes a certain song will play that had a special meaning for us in a random place like a grocery store and I will feel him giving me a little nudge.
I often think I am connected to him through our cat, Kitty Cat (he creatively named her). This might sound a little crazy, I realize, but she is special to our relationship. I found her in 2009. She was lingering and begging for food outside of the place I worked in high school. Rather than let my boss take her to a shelter, I gave her to Boris as a Valentine’s Day “gift”. She’s been a part of our relationship from almost the very beginning. He fell in love with her. After he died, I have wondered if she senses his presence. I used to worry about why she didn’t seem sad when he died. But, maybe I just don’t remember those early days very well. I felt like she should have acted differently or refused to eat or something, but she just carried on life. Then, it kind of hit me. Maybe she isn’t sad because she knows Boris is still around. Maybe cats can see things my human brain cannot. I try to do things that he used to do, like pet her ears and let her lay in front of my computer screen so that she doesn’t miss him. But, I wonder if it matters. Maybe she doesn’t have to miss him because she knows he’s still here. Maybe she thinks I am silly for thinking he is gone.
Regardless of the technicalities of where we “go” when we die, I feel strongly that our energy continues. I believe in God and I believe that our physical bodies are temporary. I don’t know that I will be reunited with Boris in Heaven in the way that I used to think might happen, but I do know that our energy is forever connected. I miss his physical body terribly–his laugh, his hands, the funny way that he walked. Sometimes I ache for just one more hug. But, I know that his compassion, kindness, and his love for me is forever even though I can’t see him anymore. And, for right now at least, I have Kitty Cat to remind me that he is not too far away.