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Exercising Optimism in Griefland

Posted on: January 19, 2021 | Posted by: Emma Pearson

Image by Marian Kroell on Unsplash

I often feel very fortunate that my professional and personal lives, interests and development, are so inextricably linked. I cannot actually imagine it being any other way. I learned early on that in order for me to be able to do my professional work effectively, I had to do the personal stuff too, particularly since my professional interests revolve around people, change, transitions, teams, transformation, and all that good stuff. i.e real life.

One of my favourite coach trainers admonished me gently once, in response to something I had said about wanting to learn something so I could use it with my clients (rather than for myself). She said, “there is no professional development without personal development”. In other words, learn for yourself, use for yourself, get your own stories, experiences and learnings, and then (perhaps maybe one day) take it to others.

Another bonus is that I read around my professional interests with as much interest and gusto as I do my leisure and non-fiction interests. Multiple books, articles and podcasts are invariably on the go.

I have been reading new research on the role and importance of trust in organisations and how it is the, or at least a, core driver of organisational results. Trust builds motivation, enables change, aligns effective execution and nourishes teamwork, and all of these together lead to results. All of that makes perfect sense to me and trust has long been an ingredient of leadership effectiveness.

What feels even more interesting in my recent forays is learning that trust “alchemises” into another attribute before it can impact, or “liberate” trust. That attribute is “exercising optimism” which is the capacity to practise optimism, to work at being optimistic. With this skill-muscle, we can contemplate future options, hold onto hope and possibilities, and create something more lasting from vision and energy. All of which results in a shift, a movement, a change.

This notion of “exercising optimism” appeals enormously to me. I am sometimes chastised for being an optimist. Heck, I even chastise myself for being an optimist sometimes, because I know well enough that it can quickly become denial or an avoidance strategy. And by golly do I hate others’ sugary optimistic platitudes such as “everything will be fine” or “things happen for a reason” or “remember the good things” or other callous crap. But I hold loyally and proudly to my belief that my optimism serves me. It gives me energy. It energises me. It enables movement and change.

What I have realised here though is that optimism as a trait is not particularly useful. It can smother the painful stuff, or serve as a bypass around what’s hard – which is not particularly healthy mid- to long-term. A more useful notion is that “to exercise optimism” is work, a practice to practise, a skill. This makes sense to me, not just in the world of work, but in the world of grief too.

Exercising optimism is about looking for and holding options, but not being scared by those options. Picking over the alternatives, looking for yet others, holding the possibilities and the uncertainties, and staying hopeful. Not in a Pollyanna-ish way but in a wisdom-infused, hopeful way.

Exercising optimism is also about wondering, “what else? And what else? And what else?”. Not “what else do I want?” (because I know that that doesn’t work), but “what else can I do? What else can I be? How else can I be? Who else do I need?”

Exercising optimism brings energy, new ideas, possibilities, a new way of thinking. That new energy brings me out of a funk. Out of inertia. Into movement. Into change.

Exercising optimism builds my sense of trust that I can do this, that I can try that, that I can experiment with the other…

Ultimately that builds my versatility, capacity, skills, resilience, trust and psychological safety as I navigate this landscape of loss-filled life.

And all of which gives me a sense of faith.

Faith in myself.

Faith in my process.

Faith in my skills.

Faith in my resilience.

Faith in my capacity for survival.

Faith in my ability to thrive.

I have become a complete and utter fan of exercising optimism.

 

 

Categories: Child Loss, Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Multiple Losses

Emma Pearson

About Emma Pearson

My life is a whirling mix of swishy strands, dark and glowing brightly, rough and silky smooth – all attempting to be seen, felt and integrated at once. Here are some of my themes.

I am British and now recently also French (because of Brexit), and I have lived in France for the past 21 years. I am 53 and sometimes feel to be an “older widow”, and yet I feel so young. I lost my best male friend Don to bowel cancer in September 2015, my brother Edward to glioblastoma in January 2016, my husband Mike to pancreatic cancer in April 2017, and my sweet youngest child, Julia, to grief-related suicide, in July 2019. And I met a new love (let’s call him Medjool, after my favourite kind of date), off one single meeting on a dating website. Our relationship has exploded into blossom as of June 2019.

I am widowed and I am in a new relationship. I have lost a best friend, a sweet brother, a beloved husband and a precious child, and I still have both parents who are alive and well. I live my days with my grief wrapped in love and my love wrapped in grief. I no longer even try to make sense of anything. I just hope to keep on loving and living for as long as I can, while grieving the losses of loves that are no longer breathing by my side.

I suspect my writing here will be a complex mish-mash of love and sorrow. I also write on http://www.widowingemptynests.com/.

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